OUUGH

Hello, Loyal OUUGH readers.

2009-05-02T20:29:00.001-07:00

Whats up bros anyway I'm gonna keep this short. I know I havent posted a review in a while and ouughasms reviews are fuckin bullshit but guess what theres a reason for this of course you see it seems that I have run into some very serious legal trouble.
As you can see from the above image, the situation is quite heinous dude. I'll be back to tearin the shit outta shitty games once i get this shit sorted thru!

Clashing the fuck out of Zenos left and right, day and night.

2009-04-30T19:50:00.000-07:00

Realms of Arkanianwinter Nights

2009-03-27T10:49:00.000-07:00

Sup fags, this here game is called Drakesang: The Dark Eye. yea I know you're thinking "more like the DORK eye lol!" maybe, but if there's one thing I learned from Fallout trip it's that roll-playing games can be pretty fuckin ballin, and since Drakensang is in fact RPG, it deserves a shot to prove itself. Ok let's see how this shit stacks up to the classics!

Ok what the fuck is this? It starts by makin you pic a character, and there's like a TON of them, so I let my instincts take over and guide me to the manliest badass of them all. To the game's credit, my man-o-meter went off the charts upon discovering the VIKING class! But check it, after you select your character there's a button that says "Expert mode" so obv I click at it, being a one hundred percent pro gamer and all, and it brings up all this fucking bullshit in that screenshot! Hey Mr Bullshit Dev, do I look like a fucking nerd to you? What is this, Dungeons and Dragons? L0L! goddamn I don't wanna read all that shit, much less try to figure out what they're supposed to do. And there's several pages of it too. wtf? The character creation was thoroughly discouraging, and left me wondering when those calculator-carrying dictionary-reading glasses-wearing SCUMBAGS are going to realize that words and numbers are fucking bullshit.

Alright so after giving up trying to understand that maze of boolshi I clicked next and it brought me into the game. the gfx are pretty good, not Halo level, but Drakensang sports a great deal of a very important RPG feature: bloom. Ok ok, I mean, shit, its bloom levels didn't quite reach that of the mighty OBLIVION where you're just like TOTES overwhelmed by the holy light but I was very glad to see this early on that the devs at least understood something of what makes a great RPG (fyi its BLOOM!). Important bloom feature aside, I was also impressed by how fucking awesome looking the current iteration of Guram Ironballs was. Bro I've got fuckin badass tattoos, a gnarly headband, a manly axe, and some SERIOUSLY PIMPING pants. And to top it all off I've got a fuckin mead horn son! A MEAD HORN. That's pretty intense, I don't think even Fallout 3 had mead horns.

So I start walkin around and the very first thing that happens to me is BULLSHIT. some faggot gets up in my grill and fucking attacks me with words, but I can't bop em one or even inform him of his faggot status!! wow so much for the good first impressions I just had. Bro I'll tell you straight up I'm a professional vidcon player, but I was about to fuckin QUIT after this faggot started trying to tell me stuff and things. i was all BITCH all I need to know is where they are!! they being the nerds obv. and you know what else in that entire fucking ESSAY he just read at me he doesn't say BRO once so I was like you know what fag? if im not your bro then youre not my bro and I'm not gonna rescue your fucking princess or whatever FAG shit you want me to do!! so I skipped all his bullshit and kept on walkin.

yadayadyadya then some bullshit happened and I talkd to some other hunny and I skipped through her annoying little speech too (it was probably about cooking anyway lol stupid bitch) and next thing I know she's fuckin following me around. so I was like hey that's pretty pimp I'm like 5 minutes into the game and I got my own hunny already. Then I walked around some more and found some wolves and shit and I got the first taste of combat and I gotta say that it TOTALLY makes up for all the people saying things and bullshit! It's pretty awesome basically, you have your dudes? And then like, you click on the wolves, then your dudes beat the shit out of the wolves and you win. What!!! I mean shit son I was expecting some one hundred boolshi turn based chess ripoff coz of all the words and numbers and shi. But no way the devs totes pulled through, the combat is everything I expect out of a good rpg: clicking and dying.

Drakensangs so fuckin manly even some of the chicks got muscles! (seriously thats kinda gross tho)

And bro that's when it hit me. Drakensang is alot like the classic hardcore roll-playing game by expert vidcon developers Biowear, Neverwinter Nights. It starts off with some word/number bullshit, but its only there to trick people that like shitty games (read: dungeons & dragons, fallout) into buying their game. but really the game is made for people like US, that dont fucking care about how many skill points our characters have in the skill Profession: Being a Faggot, and just want to click on some pieces of shit and watch them die!! and bro whenever you leveled up there was this super sweet "dgaf button" that assigned all the shit for you so you didnt have to read the fucking 40 page manual just to play the game. I mean 40 pages??? Manual? more like GONE WITH THE WIND am I right? Yea I'm right.

so following in the great tradition of Biowear, Drakensang allows you to not give a fuck about ANYTHING and just click on losers and watch them die. Like all that bullshit that guy said at the beginning? shit doesn't matter at all. I ran around, beat up some wolves, skipped some convos and next thing I know I'm in some fuckin city. I don't know where I am exactly or why im there but protip it doesnt fucking matter coz this game RULES! i cant wait to get back to it so I can find some more enemies to left click on!!

also the devs are so in touch with what features a good RPG really needs that they included a few of my faves. first off there's the issue of movement. unlike many bullshit RPGs, Drakensang lets you move with WASD!! WHEW it was SUCH a relief when I was able to actually move my fuckin dude without having to use my mouse. inability to move with wasd has been a huge issue with many rpgs like fallout 2, it's like wtf, havent you guys played Halo for PC?? If halo uses wasd YOU use fucking wasd, I don't need no fucking excuses like "the game is 2d" whatever that means or "it came out before halo" thats fucking BULLSHIT nothing came out before halo. Theres no goddamn reason not to be able to move with wasd and I was very pleased to learn that at least this game got it right!!

And its got something else too, something else every good classic RPG has in spades. Lemme show you.

Yea that's right, it's HUGE MOTHERFUCKIN BOOBS son. its such an ancient tradition now that if your so-called GAME doesnt got at least a few bangin hunnies in it, then you might as well just file for bankruptcy right now coz nobody's buying your stupid bullshit. In fact its very possible that the overall quality of an rpg has a direct correlation to the average breast size of its female characters. I mean fuck, just look at Tomb raider, one of the BEST RPGs of all time and ask yourself what makes it so good. yea I'll give you a hint its not the stupid fucking puzzles! So now that we've cleared that up, let's see what this newcomer brings to the table.

God dayuuuuum son! i havent seen breasts that large since I played the Witcher!!! God its too fucking bad the Witcher was a Sierra Adventure game instead of RPG, there was some serious fucking potential there. So anyway yea back to Drakensang, it's pretty pimpin. as you can see its well-endowed with some mad smokin hunnies, almost as hot as Cortana from Halo 3!! Shit, look at all that bloom too. Those are bloomtits right there. Pretty fucking innovative imo! That's got me about ready to put drakensang up right next to Final Fantasy 7 and Tomb Raider as one of the greatest RPgs of all time.

Aight bros, I know Drakensang makes a shitty first impression with all the words and numbers and bullshit but just trust me, they're not important and make almost NO different to the gameplay. if youre a manly man and you want the most gnarly chop 'em up of the year, then you need look no further than Drakensang. if youre a fuckin nerd and you wanna read and do math why doncha grab a dungeons and dragons rulebook and calculate how long its gonna take for you to get laid irl? LOL!!

I rate this game:

You know you make me wanna

2009-03-13T13:08:00.000-07:00

so I just got done curling 200 pounds np and drinkin an 80 (thats like a 40 *2 coz 40 just aint enuff for me) when my bro hrothgar got back from a raid on walmart (the best store for video games it carries all the classics from halo 1 to halo 3). he whipped out this badass lookin game for x-box called "war of the gears" or some shit which immediately made me think it was about some race car drivers that got super pissed at some other race car drivers so they built a huge fuckin robot to start a world shattering war which imo sound prty fuckin cool. Turns out the game isnt like that whatsoever. But check it, as much as I HATE false advertising which is totally what that was, I completely forgive wargears because its just THAT FUCKING GOOD!!

Ok so the only robot in the game is this little bitch robot that you order to do nerd shit like use computers. I know you're probably pissed because the game should obviously be about robots but dont worry coz its about being manly as FVCK! Everything from gameplay to atmosphere to plot is just fuckin covered in muscles. Speakin of plot your dude is pretty chill, I forgot his name but I bet its somethin fuckin awesome like Olaf Bloodsaw. The plot is like there's these dudes, and they're pretty fuckin bullshit, and you gotta kill them. Its abit of a Halo rip in this regard which in my opinion is a good thing, because it guarantees a certain level of depth and complexity lacking in a great deal of games today.

What the fuck im fucking stuck!!

But enough about that, let's talk about the gameplay which is 100% super hard and awesome. Ok basically, like, you have a guy and shit, and the whole world is like magnetized or covered in glue or some shit. yea sounds pretty weird right? it is. you gotta run around trying to shoot and beat the shit out of those dudes who are bullshit that I previously mentioned but as you try to do so the environment tries to stop you at every turn. Liek youll be runnin at some faggot and all of a sudden gravity or some shit will suck you right into a wall or a tree or something!! And then your dude stands there with his back to it and you're like wtf OUUUGH tha'ts fuckin BULLSHIT!! So in order to break free of the whatever it is that is pinning you, you gotta mash every single button on your controller super fuckin fast so that your dude can tear himself free from the bullshit and continue the bopping. imo its a pretty revolutionary feature that adds a whole new level of depth to the difficulty of this vidcon.

omfg theres so much blood you can't even tell what the fuck is happening

Yea anyway whatever Im bored of that shit, lets talk about what REALLY makes this game a 5/5 classic that will be remembered for at least like 2 years. Shit in this game is like shit on other games, cept with BALLS you know what I'm saying? Like for example, the dude you play is afflicted dgaf disease so badly that he can't even open doors. Yea, you have to KICK IN every single fuckin door in the game coz he just doesn't give enough fuck to turn the knob!! And in that pic above? I'm killin a guy with my gun. Coz my GUn has a fucking SAW on it! LOL. Goddamn son thinkin about it just makes me want to OUUGH like I was watching Conan the Barbarien for the first time again! If you ask me retard fucking devs that make stupid shit like Fallout 2 and dwarf fortress should wake up and realize what really makes a game GOOD (protip its putting chainsaws on guns). Even more experienced devs could learn from the example. Coz really, the only way fallout 3 could possibly get ANY better is if you put a chainsaw on the bottom of the fatboy!

this is your bro in arms, Deion Sanders

Fuuuuck check the muscles on that guy! He's your bro and bro fyi? That's pretty fuckin chill coz it's not like one of those games where you're the only guy that has enough muscles to stop the insect communists from taking over space america. in wars of the gear you have 3 bros who are almost as manly as you are and they run around and saw/punch shit too. theres alot of comradery going on and they all love each other and that's totally not gay coz bro they're bros trust me. theres even multiplayer and shit so if you arent a fat basement nerd you can play with your REAL bros too. I think that says alot about how cool these devs are, they're not obese fucking geeks that wear glasses and play Wizardry 1-5000 all day in their dark little holes. they're too busy cruisin around town pickin up babes, and realizing that people who play video games these days arent all faggots and want a decent macho game to share with their crew.

so yea just about everything in this game is bursting at the seams with machismo. The guns, the characters, even the vehicles. Normal losers get Hondas. These totally rad dudes drive a fuckin monstar truck with a laser, and use it to set birds on fire just for fun coz they straight up dgaf. Shit is TITE son, they even got chrome rims and a 10 20" amp system and they be blarin that shit. Then like ur drivin around and people see you rollin, they hatin, so then you gotta shoot them with laser. When I played that shit I Was just like whoa I can totally relate to that, coz everywhere I go bitches always wanna fight me. As you can see the writing is very intricate and features layers upon layers of meaning.

For one last example of how completely fucking badass this game is I present to you the above monster. Yea I bet you're thinking, "but OUUUGHASM, many games have monsters, so what's so special about this one?" Well bro, to your question, a question: if you were a gears in the wars dev, how would you go about optimizing the kickass level of an otherwise unremarkable beast? I mean geez what could be more badass than a gigantic fucking monster with teeth like that and very probably bad breath?

OMFG!!!

If you answered "strap a missile launcher to its head" then you are CORRECT. I mean seriously did you even have to think about it? if theres ANYTHING I've learned from this game its that if something isnt scary, manly or awesome enough, you need only superglue an utterly unrelated but equally awesome item to it to rectalfy the problem. shit can solve pretty much anything. brumak not cool enough? Put a bunch of huge fucking guns on it. Cat not hardcore enough? Tie a steak knife to its tail. itll work trust me im a professional. simple solutions to simple problems son.

American Idol S02E01 (part1/3) Very Funny Audition:) - Click here for more free videos

Ok so after reading this totally accurate and insightful review of Halos of War (which it should really be called imo instead of gear in wars) you ought to be pretty fucking pumped about it.
The gameplay is fuckin awesome and has alot of cool ideas, the graphics are fuckin PIMP and way better than computer, the plot will blow your mind and have you occupied for days, and of course there's BLOOD everywhere! while some of the shit you have seen appears to be pretty revolutionary you should keep in mind that Bethesda or whoever made this did not re-invent the wheel. They just attached a fuckin saw to it, and you should too!!!

I rate this game:

Sh!tman

2009-02-20T01:49:00.000-08:00

Borderline con artists and probably terrorist scum Interplay have returned yet again in another attempt to pull a fast one over on decent, hard working Americans everywhere. This time its name is Hitman: Blood Money and if you haven't guessed what this game is already you're a fool, but I'll say it just the same: BULLSHIT.

Ok so the game starts off innocently enough, you hop off some boat and the game tells you what's up. You gotta go kill some fat guy that ate one too many chicken wings at the Superbowl party he went to. So the host hired YOU, Mr. 47, to take his pudgy ass out for good. That's where it starts to become BULLSHIT. First off you're this "47" character and oh wow is that a bullshit name or what? What the shit is 47? Why can't I just be FORTY you know like a FORTY? That would be straight pimpin. And what's WORSE and REALLY retarded about this whole 47 thing is that because you're 47, you're not MASTER CHIEF. Whaaaat, a game where I'm not master chef? This is gonna end fuckin poorly.

Honestly if I didn't know I was out to kill a fat guy I probably would've uninstalled already.

next thing I notice is that this first person shooter wasn't in first person! Wtf? I know for a fact I saw this game advertised in first person. So I figured there was just a toggle someplace and the jackass devs at Interplay thought they'd try to add some depth to their shitty casual game by making you engage in a mini-game to find the right key. So I started like pressin every key on the keyboard to try to figure out which one it was, doing some pretty stupid shit in the process coz man I don't know what these fuckin keys are for, and omg I was pissed. Shit took me like 30 minutes to find the right key coz I was so goddamn hIIIiiigh that I kept forgetting which buttons I had pressed already so I had to fucking start over. Fyi: Shitman is not good to play when you just wanna chill out.

So anyway on the first level the game tells you very specifically what to do so you don't get lost and confused and shit which is pretty chill. Haha yeah right, chill? In an Interplay game? Get fucking real. The hook here is that everything the game tells you to do is BULLSHIT. Game wants you to do things like create distractions, and sneak around, and get stealth kills. Yea you think that's cool? Well its not really fucking manly imo! Do you ever see Master Cheif sneakin around, hiding from the covenant? He don't need no fuckin cover, he just goes BOP BOP BOP BRAAAAAP son you got served! FORTUNATELY in Hitman you're able to salvage a little manlitude from the wreck by just IGNORING the game's stealth instructions and doing whatever the fuck you want, which is obviously always going to be SHOOT EVERYONE.

haha, game wanted me to sneak past them. Master Chief doesn't know the meaning of SNEAK

Shit son, they was ballin' - til MASTER CHEF came around. (fyi I'm just pretending to be the cheif now to make this game suck less)

Ok so I loosely follow the lame ass instructions til the end of the level where I kill a jiggly old fat guy and some Snoop Dawg wannabe. It was just ok, and would've been much better if this game wasn't so fucking LAST GEN. In fact no fuck that this game is like double last gen, this shit is from two gen ago, it's gen - 2. First off look at the graphics, they're fuckin bullshit. The guys look like they're made out of wax or something, not at ALL like Halo!!! But the graphics aren't even the worst offenders here. The physics, for instance, which is like the most important thing to my fps experience next to graphics and gun selection, are fucking WHACK AS FUCK.

wtf is that guy doing a BACKFLIP? Trust me, I'm a professional, I shoot people irl all the time and it does NOT look like that

The last genitude really becomes apparent on the second mission. You start off neck deep in MEXICANS for some fucking reason (wtf are they doing in the USA?!?!) and worse yet, without the super awesome HUGE GUN you ordered at the beginning! WTF?? Interplay is all sup, we're gonna let you pick a huge and awesome gun, but we're not going to implement any of them just to piss you off. Fuck you. coz I mean damn, there goes weapon selection, one of the most important things in any video game ever (especially racing games imo) because Interplay wanted to crush your spirit by giving you false hope. Those guys really are in league with the fuckin corpos.

Next up is the lack of health regeneration. WTF? LOL. I mean goddamn. Have you not been paying attention to video games lately? Ok I guess Interplay is still like triple last gen so I'll fill you the fuck in. The newest and most hardcore innovatation in video game design is making the player's health regenerate super fast when he takes cover behind shit. Bro? Not only does Hitman not do that, BUT IT DOESN'T EVEN HAVE HEALTH PACKS AND SHI. And fucking bullets do like FIVE BILLION DAMAGE per shot. And it dosen't have super cool cover system like Gears of HardcorE! So what do you do? Die. You fucking die over and over nonstop forever. Yeah real hardcore, you fucking losers. Next game BETTER have health regen or you guys are gonna be out of business I fuckin swear (which would be good anyway) because all the mega cool games like Call of Duty and Mirror Sedge are making use of the ultra next gen technology that was invented by Halo.

Then we've got the fact that unlike the first level, the second doesn't tell me what the fuck to do. And to make matters WORSE those faggot nerds purposefully did not implement a quest compass telling you where to go so it's like sup, enjoy being surrounded by Mexicans without a fucking clue as to what you're supposed to be doing or WHY. I guess the objective of the game is to wander aimlessly until you bump heads with a guard and he kills you in like two shots. SURELY that's it because bro nobody told me anything different! And while we're on the subject of the player's cluelessness, we should discuss the plot. Oh geez sorry, I mean the lack thereof. Because you are in a perpetual state of confusion with no idea about ANYTHING, the game basically doesn't even have a fucking plot. The plot is, you're some crazy jackass with no hair and a number on the back of his neck that walks Mexicanville, Texas til he gets shot and killed over nothing. Wow, real deep. Yea right, that's about 1/10000000 as deep as Halo 3.

So anyway, to most effectively summarize how gay this game is I've created a video to warn all fans of good games away from this Intertase piece of crap. Watch, learn, and warn your bros. DO NOT BE FOOLED!!!

I rate this game:

SIM CITY?? MORE LIKE SIM TASEBOT!!

2009-02-14T14:48:00.000-08:00

yea pay no mind to that full of shit picture above, this game aint no fuckin celebration. sim city FOUR is the most fucked up game to come our way since PEGGLE!! this scumbag piece of shit game has INTERPLAY written all over it I bet if you look really close at that pictuer you could prbly find it somewhere. IP gotta be the most insidious devs on the face of our blessed MOTHER EARTH, they dont even want you seein their logo on their games coz they know evry1 w a brain would be liek FUCK THAT, give me Final Fantasy 1-50 please.

now I bet youre wondering, why so mad? coz this game is fuckin bullshit thats why. look at that picture up there looks pretty chill right? Yea its chill. Nature and shi. Some woodland animals. hey im starting to like this game! NOT. YOU KNOW WHY? Coz sim city 4 is all about BURNIN NATURE and BUILDIN PIERS!!

ALL THE LITTLE BIRDS AND SQUIRRELIES GOT BURNED UP! OUUGH YOULL PAY FOR THIS SHIT CORPOS

what the fuck!! whos idea was it to make a game about burnin up rabbits and shiot? Ill fuckin tell you who. the corpos man, the fuckin corpos. renowned hasshole devs INTERPLAY have teamed up /w the life sucking corpos to bring you the ultimate in bullshit, a game about TASING NATURE and building cities over it!!! and the first step in suckin the life out of our planet is to burn and bulldoze trees. why you do this man? trees giev us LIFE didnt you fuckin school? o ok i guess you dont like oxygen corpos. w/e

after cuttin down our precious trees the first thing you gotta do is build industrial sector, where ppl work and shit aka ROBOT FACTORIES. but guess who the robot is? THE ROBOT IS YOU!!! my super smart college professor who is like way smart and hates corpos told me that theres a word for this and its called like indoctrination. its in our schools, its on the television, the news, at our jobs, and now the corpos are trying to bring it into our very homes with brainwashin video games!! the corpos are puttin it into our heads that boppin nature is good!! bich please, nature aint no NERD that you can just BOP whenever the fuck you want. the nerd is the corpos wearin all their suits and ties and their fuckin drill for oil fuckin bullshit YOU CANT DO THAT THATS LIKE MOTHER EARTHS BLOOD YOURE DRINKING.

no corpos, the fuck is to you!!!

lookit all that fuckin pollution man! After creating robot production plants you gotta make CANCER production plants aka SMOKE STACKS!! i dont even think those fuckin buildings DO anything but pump death fumes into our precious homes!! its like sup not only are we very clearly stating that we want you to all be corpo robots, but we want you to EAT THIS FUCKING SMOKE AND LIKE IT! WELL GUESS WHAT? I DONT FUCKING LIKE IT! can you believe they're trying to teach this shit to our kids?!?!?

so im tryin to play but its kinda hard coz of all this SMOKE choking out me fucking soul, making it BLACK AS THE NIGHT, and next thing I know this motherfucker shows up! what is it but a fuckin ROBOT! It was like the game was saying to me, yea, thats you. you're the robot. Well FUCK YOU Interplay, that's the last fuckin straw! Im not gonna let you sit here and indoctriministrate our childrens with your game, ima tell the world. IF YOU BUY THIS GAME YOURE LETTING THE CORPOS WIN. Fuck i cant bear to play anymore after this. I mean fuck thatS IT! THATS IT!! I'm calling another WOODSTOCK up in this bitch, well fight them w music! Yea yea, we can get like Davie Matthews, and that guy that did the Halo soundtrack ( best vidyo game music EVER imo!) to jam out in front of millions of people and HEAL THE SCARS that sim city 4 is ripping open in our fuckin society!! DO NOT BUY!!!

I rate this propagama:

Halo 3: Ressurection of Evil

2009-02-12T01:57:00.000-08:00

Whats up bros, professional video game reviewer Halplander here again. But just cause I'm a pro don't mean I dunno how to PARTY!!! Yeaheahh, keep that in mind while you read this shit, sucker. Anyway, so during lunch I'm holdin a nerd upside down by his shoe above a trashcan, gettin some lunchmoney so I can eat. I was totes about to shake out the last few quarters from that wimp when Toddy-brah calls me over and he was all "DUDE CHECK OUT THIS SWEET SHIT!" and slides me this game, "Dead Space". Upon seeing the EA seal of quality on the box, bro, I buckled up and got ready for the sweet ride that was chure to come. Toddy brah tells me that its a Halo 3 spinoff full of freaky @$$ shit. Now dude, I'm gonna be honest w/ ya... I'm a hardcore gamer, I LOVE Halo3 ok? But bro? a Horror game? Nuh-uh, AINT happenin son. I aint good w/ freaky shit and horror games are bullshit. Yea survival-horror thats sounds like a good idea lets make a game full of tough-ass monsters and make the main player weak as hell so he cant kill them. Hey Survival-Horror devs! I got a message for you: saying ur game is a horror game doesnt excuse it for being a piece of shit because you were too stupid to know how to properly code enemies that could die!!!

But bro, my love for Halo had me go on and fire this bad-boy up(on my x360, OBV!!!) And bro, BOY was I glad I did!!! Leave it to EA and Bungee to take the worst genre of video game ever and fucking turn it into AWESOME SHIT. Survival horror wasn't even a real fucking genre until Dead Space came along! Ok, so you start up this game right, you're on a fucking space ship!!! I always wanted to shread waves in space dude. So you're cruisin along in space w/ ur hunny, Cortana, and ur bro and ur bros all dude we gotta fix some shit and while hes talking to you ur hunny takes the driver seat and then fuckign crashes the ship onto a Halo ring planet in construction. Fuckin bitches cant drive leave that shit to the MEN. Anyway you take control of master cheif in third person(kinda like when you get the HUGE gun in h3, which makes sense because all the guns in this game are fuckin HUGE). I'm cruisin along HOLY SHIT FUCKING MONSTERS. And bro, I'll be honest because professionals are honest... I screamed like a little bitch while I popped them w/ my bullet gun.
Speaking of bullet gons, this is the first way EA games managed to make a survival-horror game not bullshit. Rather than make the mistake that EVERY SINGLE HORROR GAME IN EXISTENCE has made and give you ZERO supplies for fighting a horde of impossible monsters, Ea gives you a SHIT TON of ammo and other various items. Health pickups are needed VERY OFTEN, and the game caters to this need and gives you health very often. And even if u manage to shoot like A MILLION BULLETS you still have the option to head over to the store and buy some more! Having access to supplies like this lets you actually PLAY THE GAME and kill the SHIT out of a BUNCH OF GRODY LOOKIN FUCKERS. Other survival-horror games don't know whats up. Having hardly any supplies isn't scary, its fucking bullshit and poor game design! Luckily, Deadspace keeps the bullets comin as quick as you shoot em!

And bro you'll fucking be shooting all the time, EVEN WHEN THERES NO ENEMIES. Because this game is so fuckin scary it'll have you shit a fucking table at the slightest noise. That is how scary it is bro. I've never beaten a horror game before because they always get too fucking scary for anyone to want to go on! I bet most of them don't even have a second level because they know no ones gonna wanna keep playing. Lazy fucking devs. I was about to do the same to Deadspace and was ready to call it half-shit when EA gives yet another brilliant solution to the problems that plague the survival-horror genre. YOU GET FUCKIN SLOW MOTION OMG!!!! You see some freak bitch runnin @ you bro? ZAP! DWEEB STUCK IN SLOW-MO! Not so scary now are you tough guy! This also adds much needed help w/ aiming because everyone knows, even with auto aim, hitting a moving target is near impossible. I won't be surprised to see this slow-mo feature make it into Halo 4.

But don't think for a second that slow-motion makes this game lose any less scarocity(bitch i took english 9, i got vocab)! You see you can't make a monster move in slow-mo, unless you see them first! So you gotta be constantly on the look out for these fuckers who just love to pop out of NOWHERE to scare the shit out of you! Right before the brick you're about to shit rockets out, you hit them w/ a slowmo beam and everythings chill and you get to fucking wreck shit w/ ur gun. This results in the game constantly scaring you w/ cleaver methods like A DEAD BODY COMING BACK TO LIFE TO ATTACK YOU, A MONSTER JUMPING AT YOU RIGHT AROUND A DARK CORNER, or the innovative method of A MONSTER APPEARING RIGHT BEHIND YOU HOLY SHIT HOW DID HE GET THERE!!!! Each scare is even more frightening and clever than the last, and you'll never be able to expect them! And thanks to slow-motion, bros don't gotta quit the game cause it's too scary any more! Revolutionary imho!
Like most EA games, Deadspace is very long, clocking in at 7 hours of NON-STOP FRIGHT AND NERD-BOPPIN! With a game lasting that long, it'd be a total bummer to have to restart a level after you die. And bro, this game is HxC as FVCK so you def will die a few times. Casual gamers, the exits over there, this game is for PROS ONLY. Again, making the survival-horror genre playable, it gives you a save point in nearly every other room, a big IMPROVEMENT from the lack of savepoints in your common horror game(read: piece of shit LOL).

And for those LOSERS who still haven't gotten the message that CONSOLES are for HARDCORE GAMING and are stuck playin this on a PC, i got some good news for ya. I talked to my bro chachi who got this for his comp and he hooked me up w/ the compatability specs for computers. EA once again shows their skill as a game dev by providing graphical options that people can actually understand. They let you pick your screen size, and then DO THE REST FOR YOU! Holy shit, if more devs actually did this, I might play games on the PC! Hah, yea right, casual bullshit. But for real, PC devs need to get with the program. EA HAS, WHY HAVENT YOU? Every thing you make is a fuckign ripoff anyways so why not copy something GOOD. Seriously, no one wants to fill out a spread sheet about all your nonsense graphics options(Anti-aliasing, seriously what the fuck does that even do?). Not every one is a fuckign rocket scientist nerd so stop being a lazy POS and make the game CHOOSE THE GRAPHICS FOR YOU. Maybe the PC wouldn't be considered a joke if PC devs didn't make their customers learn how to PROGRAM the game that should already BE PROGRAMMED before they play it. PC gamers are lucky they have EA games to take care of this bullshit for them.

Enough about casual PC bullshit, but a bit more on graphics. THESE GRAPHICS ARE FUCKING TIGHT!!! OMG if this shit was in real life it'd look EXACTLY LIKE THIS GAME thats how fucking gnarly these graphics are. It really pushes the power of the Xbox360 to the LIMIT. It's darkness effect is especially impressive, they mustve optimized it to FVCK to get it to run so well! The environment is also very well done. The Dark corridors of the space station really show the graphical prowess of consoles. The various identical rooms serve to immerse you even further into the game, as it conveys the feeling that this station could have actually been built and manufactured, probably on an assembly line of sorts. Smart choice! EA certainly knows what it takes to make a game draw you in. I'll end this article with a short video review, so you can see how INSANELY scary this game is. WARNING: SCARY AS FVCK!

Halo 3: Deadspace is an extremely well done and immersive survival-horror game that gets rid off all the BULLSHIT that the survival-horror genre has plagued the games industry with and is probably the only TRUE survival-horror game ever made. I rate this game:

Cryscape: Tearment

2009-02-07T11:24:00.000-08:00

Well folks, it seems it's another day, another bullshit game. Once again I seethe with barely restrained anti-nerd rage over the latest train wreck I've been forced to play: Planescape: Torment. The internet speaks more praises of this classic RPG than I could ever hope to list, but it seems to me these are mainly the words of the cult following surrounding the game, and are not necessarily truthful. Moreover, it is made by Interplay, the mortal enemy of real devs like Bethesda. Immediately we are lambasted with garbage in the form of false advertising, but the first of many flaws in its endless, stormy sea of bullshit. Look at the picture. Think that guy is manly? Think again.

The torture begins with your character, The Nameless One, awakening on a stone slab in a mortuary, accompanied by an incessantly babbling floating skull, and a terrible cliche. The cliche being, of course, amnesia so bad it'd made Jason Bourne green with envy. And so, despite all the claims of this games originality and uniqueness, we are instantly saddled with a quest so trite I nearly said "Fuck this," and played Oblivion instead. However, at Ouugh work comes before play and so I trudged onward, looking for any redeeming quality in this so-called "role-playing game."

Initially, the plot appears to be centered around The Nameless One's journey to discover himself, which touched up with a bit of manlitude may not have been so unbearable. The reality, however, is that the goal of the main quest is to kill yourself. I suppose you think I'm joking, or at the very least employing a bit of hyperbole. You are, unfortunately, quite incorrect.

You see, the reason you awake in a mortuary is because you died, at least for a time. The Nameless One's conundrum is that he's a gigantic fucking emo faggot, yet for reasons he can't remember due to his amnesia, he's become the Highlander on steroids. No matter how many times he dies or in how many ways, he simply gets back up again, and so is constantly forced endure the punishment that is LIFE. His darkened appearance is caused by the fact that he's covered head to toe in scars, probably from cutting himself millions of times over the centuries. It also serves to make his outward appearance dark; dark like his soul. What a fucking loser. All he needs is a change in perspective. If I were immortal, I'd just sit back and don't give a fuck all day, and only occasionally arise from my dgaf-induced chill zone to let a nerd bop the shit out of me, just to crush his soul by getting back on my feet and giving him a killer wedgie.

Tough break skull bro, now fucking deal with it

Alas, you don't get to take advantage of the unique position, because the game is directly marketed at all manner of Goth and Emo fags that want to relate to an ensemble cast of depressed NPCs, most in need of some intense therapy. To this end, there is a poorly explained plot device called the Symbol of Torment, a tattoo on The Nameless One's shoulder, which for whatever reason attracts more needlessly whiny bitches than a Simple Plan concert.

The Symbol of Torment Tattooed to some emo fanatic's arm. See what kind of fucking nerds play this game?

As I'm sure you can imagine then, the NPCs that join your party serve only to test the ever receeding limits of your patience. They include in no particular order: a talking skull that feels bad about bopping nerds back in the day, an old guy that that's a slave in his own mind, another old guy that lit himself on fire to extinguish his pain, a furry bitch with a tail that's sad and angry because no one will bang her, a chick with wings that's sad because everyone wants to bang her, a machine going through an existential crisis, and last but certainly not least, an angry, animated suit of armor whose only goal in life is to beat on any nerd that crosses the line.

Unsurprisingly, Vhailor, the armor dude, was not to last. Though he was a brief, refreshing change of pace in an otherwise melancholy and tear-ridden cast, it turns out his main mission was to bop the shit out of The Nameless One on official charges of Crimes Against Common Sense, which created a bit of a conflict of interest, and so Vhailor was lost to me. Still, I have hope that Bethesda will one day purchase the rights from Interplay and make Planescape Double: The Revenge of Vhailor, now in first person, like a game SHOULD be. That has potential to be even better than Fallout 3, and I don't say that lightly.

What in Bungee's blessed name is going on here?

It should also be said that, while you do get two hunnies in your party, it's not as cool as you'd think. Annah's all fun and games, til you notice that she HAS A FUCKING TAIL. It seems Interplay didn't want to stop the marketing at just emo children, and felt very strongly that the fur fag market had some seriously untapped potential. Both of the "hunnies" are a depressed furry's wet fucking dream, adding a whole new layer to my contempt for both game and developer.

Can't have a game about bitches without at least one person having a diary.

As much as I'd love to share with you the disgust and animosity I feel towards Torment's plot and theme forever, I suppose I should get around to sharing with you my absolute fucking loathing of the gameplay one of these days. Like many bullshit games, Planescape is 2D. Now I'm no tech expert, but that's got to be at least 3 less D's than Fallout 3, which puts it on shaky ground with me to begin with. The game's engine also fails miserably at making use of my pimptastic computer. Actually, that's a tad inaccurate; it doesn't technically fail, because it doesn't fucking try in the first place! Again, I don't know much about numbers because they're for nerds, but I'd say the resolution is somewhere between five and ten. I looked it up, and Halo 3 has something called 720pp! Fucking Interplay couldn't even get me like 50pp.

So yeah, numbers are for nerds. Know what else is for nerds? WORDS. And words, my distinguished readers, constitute the majority of Torment's gameplay. Just when you thought this shitstorm couldn't get anymore shocking, you realize that you spend most of your time doing nothing but talk to people to advance the plot! In the pic above, the numbered lines are my possible responses to whatever that loser was yammering on about. You have to read all that bullshit just to figure out what you're going to say, which in an excellent game like Oblivion is scarcely a problem. But since in Torment, there's such a focus on dialogue that you will completely ruin your game if you fail to pay attention, and having to pay attention to such filth takes its toll on your sanity. That screenshot probably contains more words than the entirety of Halo 3, manual included, and I'm not sure that's a good thing. Tell you what Interplay, I'll let you in on a little secret. When I want to slowly trod through an enormous slew of meaningless words, I'll pick up a fucking Bible. When I want to bop some nerds, I either head to the library, or pick up a video game. Now, what exactly is it about reading non-fucking-stop that made you decide that it was conducive to the aforementioned bopping of nerds? At the very least, they should've implemented a dialogue wheel akin to Mass Effect, so that I could simply choose one word answers without having to understand what the fuck is going on.

In the above screenshot, you'll notice, if you examine it closely, that The Nameless One's appearance is slightly off. This is because one of the first acts of faggotry you may commit after starting the game is pretend to be dead.

The Nameless One, frustrated by his inability to die, decides to do a bit of LARPing and dresses up as a zombie, surely in an attempt to emulate the dead he undoubtedly admires. The effects include walking like a retard, and looking like a retard. Is this Interplay's idea of gameplay? If so, the best thing those fuckin retards ever did was sell the Fallout license to the saviors of the RPG, Bethesda Softworks. There are a few more instances such as The Nameless One's angsty teenaged undead phase throughout at the game, and they never become easier to play through. Truly, this must be a new low in the gaming industry. They might as well have called this game Sim Faggot; it would have been several times more accurate.

To make lumbering reluctantly through the main quest that much worse, you are constantly bombarded by rivers; nay, oceans of tears as you do so. For instance, the man I'm speaking to in the above screenshots is a "Dustman," a person belonging to an entire organization of Goth losers that were savagely beaten in high school, and now cannot stand the thought of living another day. They are among the first NPCs you meet, and set the tone of the game in stone by preaching their morose beliefs, which consist of "Life sucks, let's all die now please." After dealing with them, I sought a reprieve from all the whining, but instead found something so maudlin I had to struggle with my inner self to keep from uninstalling.

It turns out that some dead chick is madly in love with you, and sends wave after wave of salty tear bullets your way. She even goes so far as to reinforce The Nameless One's belief that he needs to find a way to kill himself, rather than live it up, immortal style. Yeah thanks lady, you love me so much you want me to kill myself? You just want me to come chill with you in bullshit ghost land. No reasonably intelligent gamer would fall for this easily spotted deception, but as the developers of Torment did not believe in meaningful choices, you are railroaded into accepting her advice and embarking on your quest. To add even more melodrama to this scenario, it is later revealed that The Nameless One in fact intentionally killed Deionarra. No wonder this guy's so sad, he finally manages to get a hunny for once in his life and he up and kills her ass. Looks like The Nameless One killed the prom queen.

So here we have a suicidal, LARPing, murderous emo Vegan. I'd say that's original, were I not so sure that Halo did it already. Does he even have to eat if he's immortal? Does he have to poop? Whatever happened to Lee Majors? So many questions, yet Torment provides so few answers.

I had originally planned to end here with a brief overview of the game's combat system, which you are intermittently forced to deal with. But you know what? Fuck it. If you have anything resembling the slightest desire to play this game after reading this review, then you're fucking hopeless and you might as well kill yourself alongside the cast of Planescape: Torment, or at the very least join the small cult of fanboys that masturbate to them. It truly rises to levels of suck and faggotry previously unheard of in its medium. To judge it, you need look no further than its premise: a video game whose only objective is to kill yourself. Not recommended unless you're a fan of My Chemical Romance or Fallout Boy.

I rate this game:

Halo 3: Fallout

2009-02-01T22:53:00.000-08:00

HOLLAAAAAH. What's up bitches it's me and I'm back with another piece of MANLY REVIEW. Unlike most other bullshit I gotta review, this shit is actually GOOD! Nah, brah, nah. Did I say good? I MEANT FUCKIGN AMAZING HOLY SHIT!!!! Now bro, you might ask me "what game could actually be good and HxC enuff to earn your praise" well dude, first off, if you asked me that I'd bop you one, because it should be obvious by that first picture and we all know pictures tell like a million words which is why I use pictures because they are the true essence of my reviews. Anyway, back to that top pic. Yea that's right, its motherfuckin MASTER CHEIF!!! YEA THATS RIGHT! Mcheif returns yet again in this Halo 3 spinoff series called FALLOUT 3, made as a joint project by the best game developers in the world, Bungee and Bethesda. You may remember my previous review of the knockoff game, Fallout 2, well this the real deal this time! No more bullshit! This focuses on bringing you a TIGHT singleplayer game, so unfortunately there is no multi...(but I think u get a few extra maps for halo 3. TIGHT!) But thats chill because we get to experience ANOTHER AMAZING HALO 3 SINGLEPLAYER CAMPAIGN! Chahaha brah, if you call yourself a hardcore gamer, you cant get enuff of this shyt.

Ok, first off I'll lay down the backstory. The game takes place before the events of Halo 3(holy shit, a PREQUEL? Mind-fucking-blowing) during 1950s AMERICA and you gotta protect AMERICA from the covenant and flood. Right off the bat bro, you can tell this is some MIND BLOWING SHAAAHIIIIIIIT. So Mastercheif timetravels back to the good old U.S.A. to kick some NAZI-TERRORIST-ALIEN BUTT! The setting brings together both the future and the past and the result is a very unique and never before seen setting that has a very strong retro-futuristic vibe. Where the fuck does Bungee get these crazy ideas no seriously this is so CRAZY SHIT those bros must just sit back and DGAF all day toking it up and just fuckin come up with the gnarliest shit imaginable they were the first and theyre still the best dude!

NERD BOPPIN DON'T STOP IN THA FALLOUT TRIPPLE.

And just like Halo, this game is a non-stop action-packed run and gun game where the second you stop shooting is the second you die. Just pure mindless fun! It starts off w/ a bogus tutorial mission thats somewhat slow but once it really starts, the nerd boppin never stops. It starts you off and you actually get to MAKE MASTERCHEIF LOOK LIKE YOU. HOLY SHIT! I'M A SPARTAN! Very immersive! And then you gotta choose what kinda guns you like(BIG GUNS OBV!) and choose how strong you are. Amongst the how strong you are option, there was also one for health and a bunch of other things which didn't do anything. Now I'm no game designer, but why would u keep in a bunch of stuff that doesnt do anything. Charisma? Yea thats gonna help me a lot in a fight! What are they gonna do? Be wooed by my good looks(Well, prbly if theyre a woman but thats a given). But w/e, I think those were kept in so if you wanted a harder difficulty you would waste ur poitns in those. But really, I tried them out and they didn't do ANYTHING, except making fights a little harder, which is dumb since the whole point of the FUKIN GAME IS FIGHTING LOL!!!

Another crazy addition is that you can actually talk to people!!! Like, dude, check it: you're given like a list of questions you can ask the bro or hunny your talkin' to and get to know them a bit and buddy it up. Talking doesn't do much else aside from givin' you a lil info about the bro, but really, THATS ALL IT SHOULD DO! Talking is bullshit and these devs know it! They keep the bullshit talking to a minimal and enjoyable level, and keep the focus on the fights! Oh! Bro I just remembered, one of the useless stats I mentioned earlier called INTELLIGENCE actually unlocks an occasional extra question to ask. So I guess thats chill if you really wanna know about bros that much but really come on, thats BS. BUT THANKFULLY, the devs realized this would be BS and let you get the answer to the extra questions by asking a few of the other ones. A++ move on bungee's part. Who the fuck wants to spend all their time talking? No one but casuals who can't fight that's who.

As you can see, the dialogue options all provide a new and unique angle or topic to talk about. Intelligence actually allows you to use your brain to deduce things that you wouldn't be able to find out by looking at other dialogue options or by your own deductions or by looking anywhere else!

Allright dudes and dudettes, time for the most emportent part of ANY game(after graphics, violence, and licensed music of course): The COMBAT! And dude let me tell you this: The didn't skimp on NOTHIN this is a FULL-FLEDGED BRO BASH were the only ones that lose are the NERDS who are about to get a fist full of KNUCKLE SANDWICH prepared by yours truly. As I said before, this game is totes just about non-stop gnarly hardcore fighting. And when I say hardcore, trust me on this one dude, I mean HAHAAARRDCAHOOOOORE. Seriously shit is fuckin INTENSE. It's so intense that it required that Bungee and Bethesda to improve even more upon the revolutionary Auto-Aim system that Halo 3 invented. The result is what the game calls VATS. This basically gives mastercheif a new power which lets him STOP time and carefully calculate the best point of attack, resulting in a quick and satisfying death(the game goes all SLOW-MO to show how much @$$ you truly kick) for any nerd you come across.

As you can see, dialogue choices are very intelligent and well written and you can feel the emotions of each character between each confrontation! Boy! Mastercheif sure knows how to paint a picture with words!

But bro, don't think that VATs makes things any more easy-going. Just like auto-aim, it is an ESSENTIAL part of any hardcore gaming experience and I expect future games to take full advantage of such an innovation. You can't just go around stopping time forever, as you have a limited amount of the power you can use and it recharges VERY slowly(around 20 seconds, so be careful with it). Using VATs is no small matter either. Often times you will fight multiple enemies and must CAREFULLY deduce between the two or three or four(in which case holy shit good luck) which you wanna use your rare VATS energy to take out! After your selection is made Mastercheif goes to TOWN on taking out these nerds, all presented in totally SLIIIICK slow-motion so dude it's just like you're in the matrix only you're MASTERCHEIF. Again, VATS is a truly revolutionary feature that adds to the already AMAZING AND REVOLUTIONARY first person combat in this game. Also, watch out, spoiler alert ahead.

Allright bro, now that I've covered the totally SIIIICK AND TWISTED FPS combat, it's time for the story. And bro, let me tell you. IT. IS. DEEP. LIKE. THE. OCEAN. Chahahaha. Anyway so when you first exit the time machine and walk on the soil of retro-futuristic 1950s America, you don't got much of a clue, except for a map marker that tells you exactly were to go(Another smart choice, getting lost in games is fucking casual bullshit). And so you come across a village and there you meet this guy whos all MASTER CHEIF WE MUST NUKE THIS TOWN BECAUSE IT IS COVENANT STRONGHOLD. So this is where your epic struggle begins. You spend the rest of the game running around bopping these fucking losers to hell and back. And once you bop them all you venture outside and meet with the commander again. He congratulates you on your work and then proceeds to nuke the village and the remaining covenant. It was such an amazing ending to such an amazing game that I had to take a picture and put it up, sorry bros but I couldn't hold back. Truly AWE-INSPIRING. Over all the game lasts about 3 hours, not bad at all, considering its DLC. In fact it's pretty impressive, getting DLC that lasts nearly half as long as a full fledged title! This DLC pack is definately worth the $60.00!! In fact, it's worth so much more! This game is truly revolutionary and innovates in ways that we haven't seen since the original Halo 3! I'll wrap this up with a short video review:

Final words: This game almost completely reinvents the genre that the original Halo 3 created! The devs added a lot of neat extras such as talking, which sound boring, but they don't put much emphasis on it so it doesn't affect the fast and furious flow of combat. This is definately the best game since Halo 3! GOTY 2008, 2009, and maybe even 2010(if halo 4 doesnt come out LOL) for sure! The amount of fun this game is can only be measured by how DEEP and COMPLEX it is. A true masterpiece! A++

I rate this game:

Mirror Sedge

2009-01-18T10:35:00.000-08:00

Crayon Physics Deluxe Demo: A Study of Reductionistic Form and Function within Existentialist Colored Wax Medium-in-Mediae Modus Operandum

2009-01-14T15:44:00.000-08:00

Like a nurturing lover from an Etta James reverie that never was, Crayon Physics Deluxe Demo holds your hand and whispers that all will be alright. And you believe it.

In the horrendous field of statistics, men attempt to sap every last shred of humanity in writing that we have left and reduce us all to integers on the page. All of our beauty and truth appallingly reduced to simple medians and standard deviations and all that fucking shit.

So now comes fucking Crayon Physics Deluxe Demo, which decides to turn the physical world that we take for granted and turn it into the same shit that kids scribble on placemats at family restaurants that are always strangely vacant when you need an iced coffee at 2 a.m. after an exhibition.

Crayon Physics Deluxe Demo preconditions the budding artiste to the ugly truth that not all innovation results in a meritorious piece.

The basic tacit of Crayon Physics Deluxe Demo is that you play the role of God, but in this sobering meditation on Deism and shit, God is not some kind of cosmic clockmaker, but instead a fucking little kid scribbling shit that has weight, meaning, form, and substance à la “Harold et le crayon violet”. It's a noble breath of fresh air for those of us that want some semblance of a fucking thesis in our Digital-Medium Narratives, but can Crayon Physics Deluxe Demo ride solely on premise?

Two paths diverge, and like any entity of nurturing intent, Crayon Physics Deluxe Demo gives your hand one final maternal caress before sending you out to choose your own direction.

Crayon Physics Deluxe Demo begins simply enough, introducing you to the building blocks that will be used to construct this intricate piece. Right off the bat you meet the ever-present symbolism of the Apple and the Star, don't let the Biblical allegory slide you by, Crayon Physics Deluxe Demo pulls no punches in crafting its dissertation.

The protagonist of Crayon Physics Deluxe Demo is an Apple fallen from the Abrahamic Tree of Knowledge, but the Apple himself has no knowledge to share, but instead must learn it by collecting the Stars. In each verse of Crayon Physics Deluxe Demo, the Apple must rely on a precocious and experimental God played by you, in order to collect these vital kernels of wisdom to construct something far grander. Think the Nestorian Stele if it was written back and forth between Kerouac and Salinger.

The absurdist school of thought walks side by side with Crayon Physics Deluxe Demo. Truly the only way to "win" in a construct of futility is to lose.

As God discovers and utilizes more and more of his abilities in this strange world of off-white folded paper, you progress through various other trials, basically the Labors of Herakles if they were crafted by Rogers and Maslow.

Like any Digital-Medium Narrative, you expect Crayon Physics Deluxe Demo to have some sort of concise, succinct, summarizing denouement, but no such thing occurs, thank God. Child-Brahma finishes his however many tribulations in aiding the Apple of Knowledge, and then that's it. The image of a vast sea punctuated by distant lands is displayed to you, and you are simply told that you aren't good enough to travel to those other lands. I fucking love interpretive endings, anything else seems like such a cop-out.

Crayon Physics Deluxe Demo is a must-acquire for any intellectual Digital-Medium Narrative enthusiast looking for more than a base, simplistic offering given by far too many Digital-Medium Narratives today. If you have a soul and a mind with which to drive it, Crayon Physics Deluxe Demo will move you to tears through the power of its truth, and by extension, its beauty.

LEFT BULLSH!T 4

2008-12-28T19:41:00.001-08:00

LEFT DEAD 4, HALO IN BLACK AND WHITE, OR BULLSHIT? SPOILER ALERT: It's bullshit. Allright bros sry for the wait but i have returned to skip the bullshit and tell u the TRUTh about videogames. The latest "game" from bullshit software "developer" Interplay CORPORATIONS is called Left Dead 4. And bro let me tell you straight up, it's fuckin bullshit alright. Trust me on this one dude, it totally is. Like you dont even know bro, you don't even know. I thought it'd be pretty good because i saw EA's seal of quality on it but turns out it wasn't the official seal. Yea, another fucking scam from fucking tasebot company interplay. What I got instead of another magnificent EA masterpiece was yet another shitty casual PC game. You nerds wanna know why PC gaming is dead? cause every pc game is casual bullshit thats why. Try playing on an xbox sometime if you can manage to grow some BALLS and stop cryin for a minute.

Ok so, I'll lay it on you noice and fast, bro. See that screenshot up there??? Take a good look at it bro. SERIOUSLY, take a look bro. Now just loik, stare at that shit forever and you've played Left Dead 4. U THINK IM JOKING? Obv not because I am a professional game reviewer. But ya this game really makes it hard 2 review. "BUT HALFORD PERIWINKLE LANDER, YOU ARE A PROFESSIONAL HOW CAN THIS BULLSHIT BE CHALLENGING TO YOU?" i can sense u asking(pro sense). Well dude, it's like this, a game is MOST IMPORTANTLY: graphics, followed by amount of guns in it, with gameplay somewhere after Licensed music(srsly enuff blip blop crap, GIVE ME MY DAVEY M!). And as you can clearly see from the screenshot above, Left Dead 4 has none of these elements. So what do you get? OH ANOTHER BOARD GAME PASSING ITSELF OFF AS A VIDCON. Darwinia has clearly fucked over the gaming industry, after showing that fucking morons will just shell out 60 bucks over and over for fucking Monopoloy: Matrix Edition, companies liek Interplay and Valve just swindle unaware bros into buying their shit. Fuck you interplay! I want to shoot guns at shit, not fucking pay 50 bucks for baltic fucking avenue.

Length is about the only thing the game has going for it, with two levels(it claims to have 4, but the extra two are just part of the tutorial). If the game wasn't boring as fvck it'd probably last 6 or so hours, prty impressive. Too bad no one will be able to make it through ONE since the game consists of STEP 1: SELECT LEVEL STEP 2- WAIT IN A LOBBY FOREVER STEP 3. THE GAME ASSIGNS YOU TO PLAY AS A BITCH ASS LITTLE GIRL STEP 4= WATCH OPENENING CINEMATIC STEP 5: What you see in the top screen shot. Sounds fun right? WELL IT'S NOT!

As you can see, the Xbox version has vastly superior graphics compared to the PC. Unfortunately, the game is still a piece of shit.

Hello? Is this 1-800-Bullshit? Yea, I'd like to report some bullshit. Yeah I'll hold bro. Yes, Hello? Yea, Hi Steve. Yea, so I got this "game" Left Dead 4, and dude It's bullshit. This shit barely even passes as a fucking board game dude, the only thing you can do aside from READING the same five words over and over is clicking ok so you can have the message pop up again at a later date. This is what fucking PC casual fags are doing to gaming, turning them into fucking POP UP ads. The only thing this game got right was the lobby system. The devs at least smartened the fuck up and got rid of what most pc games use, the archaic and confusing "server list". Seriously, how the fuck am I supposed to join a game with a server list? YOU CANT BECAUSE IT ISNT POSSIBLE, IT ONLY SERVES TO GIVE YOU A BUNCH OF NONSENSE TEXT. But even the dumbass devs of this game realize that server lists are bullshit and they took a hint from Xbox Live. BAM! Game lobbies! The greatest thing to happen to online gaming! Now whenever I wanna play, I don't gotta try to wrap my head around server list BULLSHIT and can jump RIGHT INTO THE game after I wait around an hour for people to join! And then it takes care of all the bullshit for you and finds the most suitable server! And then bam, enjoy your grey box with a line of text in it, if you can(I know i cant!!!).

Now you might ask, are you sure its the game. Yep, this text box is the only content in the game. Every server you join and every level you pick will end in the same result. So bro, take it from me, don't buy this bullshit! Buy a real game like HALO 3, or it's successor, FALLOUT 3. Wich brings me to my next point, why the naming bullshit? Like Halo 3 and Fallout 3, Left Dead 4 features a number in its name dispite having no sequels. This is usally used to tell buyers that the game is fucking awesome! WHICH MEANS THAT LEFT DEAD 4 IS FALSE ADVERTISING BECAUSE IT IS CERTAINLY NOT AWESOME ESPECIALLY NOT AWESOME ENOUGH TO HAVE A 3 IN ITS NAME LET ALONE A 4!!! SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK! A 4?!?? WHAT A SLAP IN THE FACE TO ALL THE REAL DEVELOPERS LIKE EA, BUNGEE, AND BETHESDA. FUCK YOU INTERPLAY! FUCK YOUR BULLSHIT INSULT OF A GAME! And bro this may come as a surprise to u but my verdict is this game is fucking bullshit, and to properly illustrate this to you I have recorded an ACTUAL play session of the game(yes, I actually managed to sit through an entire 2 minutes of this garbage).

I rate this game:

Prince of LIES

2008-12-28T15:05:00.000-08:00

what in the fuck is going on here

listen up you fuckin faggot nerds, im so fucking pissed right now aiight, check this bullshit i got a new comp recently so i could keep tellling you guys how bullshit everything is but do it in good graffix so I fuckin rly wanted to test my ultra PIMP computr on an ultra PIMP video game! so I remembered my bros were tellin me bout this game called prince of persia but i was kinda like whoa, that sounds like bullshit I mean first off i aint never herd of no "persia" it sounds like some russia bullshit and who wants to be prince of snow and potatoes? not me bro. but they said you can like jump off of walls and stab nerds and fuckin STOP TIME and all sorts of mega awesome shit and more importantly they sed the graffix are prty good so when it came time to find a new computar game I said hey, why not POP!?!?!?

ok, my first hint that something was totally wrong was that no internet stores were sellin that shit, so I had to go dl it and the dl was only like 1 megaboat. wtF?? whatever I trusted my bros and tried to plunge into that shit but it was like HI, THIS DOESNT WORK ON YOUR COMPUTER. I'm like wtf??? but my comp is fuckin PIMP!! PIMP LIKE THE WIND SON. How can any game not work on it? but then I tooked a closer look at the folder and it had all sorts of wierd shit in it including some .bat file calt dosbox??? ok that was mega weird coz bats got nothin to do with this and wtf is dosbox anyway, some kind of x-box rip??? pop tryin to be halo??? figures. but I ran it coz Iw as so fuckin bored and hey what do you know it opened the game. yea real fuckin intuitive hasshole devs, this is why people play shit on conosles.

so anyway it brings me to the opening screen that I posted above and I was like WHAT THE FUCK???? do you see that shit?!??!? OK FIRST OFF these fucking asshole devs @ interplay have NO IDEA what Russia looks like, the pic has no snow or potatoes and second off wtf is with the fuckin arT? art moer like FARt amirite those graffix suck shit!!! who'd they fuckin hire to do that?? and copyright @ 1990??? LOL THEY'VE BEEN MAKIN THIS GAME FOR LIKE 20 YEARS AND THE GRAFFIX STILL SUCK OMFG holy shit why would my bros lie to me??? maybe they jsut got no taste!!

yea maybe that honey would be tight if she had moer than like 1 pixel. maybe you can card???

ok so it tellsm e bout the story and shi and its like this some fuickin hasshoel too kover country coz something called a "sultan" is gone I dunno what that is really but it sounds pretty bull, then he has to marry some chick and shi but she's like YOUR chick and shit and its like whao! hold up! nyat kewl so then he makes it so shes gonna die in 1 hour if u dont sdave hur!! bro ok this game has shit graffix but that's pertty fuckin deep, so instead of just uninstalling it right off the bat i fuckin gave it a go

aiight so ur in a dungeon and you gotta escaep to save your honey. first thing it tells me is I got 60 minutes left but bro I'm not even worried coz my bros told me I can warp time so its not even a prob you know? but ohmygod the controls sux so bad you cant map the keys at all and the game doesnt even tell you what to do!! fuck!! so Im walkin around and shit and I walk on some bored and it falls and I fall and im like wtf BRO NOT KEWL and i took some fuckin damage and Iw as liek bullshit TIME STOP TIME STOP WHAT BUTTON IS TIME STOP and I mashed all over the keyboadr and nothin worked and I was like fuuuuuuuck. this game needs a tutorial or some shi!! ok whatever I kept walkin and I ran into some guy, maybe hes gonna tell me what to do

sup bro, which way to my fly honey

hey fuck you too buddy!

motherfucker killed me!!! fuckin BULLSHIT I couldn't even stop time or nothin it was so fuckin bullshit how come the game dont gimme a sword if i gotta stab nerds huh? Bulslhit. so then I respawn where I wuz before and it says some shit like 59 minutes left WTF??? I DIED AND IT DIDNT GIMME MY MINUTSE BACK? do I have to earn my fuckin time stomp or WHAT??!?! shit was pissin me off!! So this time I walked the OTHER WAY so as not to meet the sword asshole and maybe find myself a sword or some shi, and all I see is fuckin garbage game design

BULL

FUCKING

SHIT

omfg!!! this game is such bull the controls fuckin suck ok like u wanna jump across spike pit? ok get right next to it so you can make the jump OOPS RAN TOO FAR YOU GOT SPIKED its so fuckin CLUNKY!! like ur dude doesnt stop running for shit!! prbably coz I'm usin a fuckin KEYBOARDT instead of a controlelr like I should be! shits so fuckin bull, its like the game is actually like I dunno its like the first level and shit and its TRYIGN TO KILL ME? like the agme is HARd and shit? not kewll, I mean I am pro you know, I can handl halo 3, but wtf is with this game?!?!?? its whooping my ass!!! and to make matters worse this game has no fuckin save, and no fuckin checkpoints!! So everytime you die its all SUP BACK TO THE BEGINNING NERD. thisg ame must be for ppl that got no life or some shi. but w8, my bros like it...ohfuck shit my bros are actually LARPERS D: and they NEVER TOLD ME!!

ok so literally after an hour of dying nonfuckingstop i managed to find a sword, so im like pretty psyched and shit, i can go show that sword guy whats what now. so I start makin the run back and sure as fuckin shit this MORON runs into a fuckin spike pit!! hey maybe take a page from turok next time and just have the game read my fuckin mind coz I CLEARLY DIDNT TELL YOU TO RUN TO YOUR DEATH YOU FUCKIN LOSER. so I had to spent another hour dying nonfucking stop to get the sword again, and by some miracle I actually made it back across everything without this hasshole persian deciding life sucks too much to go on and hurling himself into some fuckin deathtrap. aiight bros, after like 3 hours of questing for my sword, its time for ULTIMATE SHOWDOWN

o herro, my name is guram ironballs, you killed me, prepare to die

w8, game didnt mention what button to make stabbing

OH FUCK NO TIME STOP TIME STOP TIME STOP GO DO IT GO TIMESTOP OHGOD

NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

and so I was sent back to the very fuckin beginnin coz i didnt know what button to hit to kil that fuckin nerd. wow. thx, maybe gimme a tutorial level next time you fuckin chodes!! all the cool games do it! i dont know what my fuckin faggot larper bros see in this game but im not wasting another hour getting that sword again so im removing this megabyte of bullshit from my fucking computer. from bad graffix to shit controls to no saves or checkpoints, this game is only for triple losers that cant hack it in a real game like GEARS OF WAR or HALO 3!!! DO NOT BUY!

I rate this "game":

2 ROK 4 U

2008-12-15T18:12:00.000-08:00

Sup losers. You ever hear of this game? It's called Brock Samson's Intense Dinosaur Knife Stabbing Simulator 3000 AKA TUROK: Awesome as FUCK Edition, and I'm telling you right now it's jam packed full of great atmosphere, immersion, innovation, and muscles.

Above you see your dude, 2rok. He's a pretty fuckin intense guy. On top of the fact that he doesn't afraid of anything, you may have noticed that our protagonist here is of Injun decent. Now, look at the picture again, with that in mind. Notice anything...out of place? Oh yeah, he has a beard and isn't holding a liquor bottle. Do you have any idea how fucking bad you have to be to be an Indian and grow a beard while not being a raging alcoholic? Bad. How bad? Real bad. In fact, Turok stretches credulity in this matter a bit too far by having you stay sober the entire game, which is a tad insane for a normal person, much less one of a race whose blood is 50% whiskey.

Bow? What is this, a fuckin OBLIVION RIP? BOWSHIT!!!

Alright, so the plot of the game is you crash on some planet and some bullshit happens. Also the planet has dinosaurs. Yeah the writing is okay but nothing of the caliber of like Mario Brothers or anything. There's not even any good plot twists, and certainly nothing akin to "Sorry, but your princess is in another castle." That shit got me EVERY time. The beauty of this game, however, lies not in the believability of the world or the intricacy of story, but entirely in the revolutionary gameplay.

Above you see me being forced to pick up a bow. Don't worry, we're not playing cowboys and drunks, and this isn't an Oblivion rip. It is there merely as a tempation, as well as the other arms you gain access to throughout the game. Grenades, submachine guns, flamethrowers - it's all there...to confuse you, and weed out the fags that shouldn't be playing this game. Let's face it. If Turok had all that stuff, and you actually used it, it'd just be another bullshit fuckin Halo rip and you might as well just name it Spore 2: Indians vs Dinosaurs That Don't Have Bowties This Time We Promise Please Buy Our Game. Fuckin Interplay. That never would've happened if EA was in charge.

Alright, you want some proof that this isn't some two-bit Halo rip? You got it.

If you didn't get the hint, this game is about busting out your knife and stabbing some motherfuckin dinosaurs. In this reviewer's world-renowned and esteemed opinion, this is both original and manly. Yeah sure, there's other games you can kill dinosaurs in, but in what other game are you such a bad fuckin dude that you can take out like ten velicoraptors at once with a knife? There aren't any. For that fix, you whip out your cell and hit up Turok.

Now you may be wondering to yourself how the game allows this to be possible. Turok is, after all, a first person shooter, which typically are not the greatest examples of melee combat. Furthermore, your character possesses no amazing supernatural powers outside the ability to resist getting cocked, saying fuck the dinosaurs and passing out. That, at least, is simple to explain: Turok uses a Brock Samson approved Rambo knife made out of dinotanium. The game play issue is another matter that the devs dealt with quite masterfully.

Turok introduces to the industry what I like to call "mind reading" gameplay. This sounds strange, I know, but hear me out. How many times have you died in a video game despite the fact that you mashed all the buttons one million times? How many times has your character responded poorly to said button mashing, only to jump off a cliff, or become stunned by an enemy in such a way that makes you toss your controller across the room? I'm an extremely professional gamer, but I'm not gonna lie: sometimes when I mash all the buttons really hard I just die anyway, and that's fuckin bullshit. I say to the screen, "Well, why the fuck didn't you just PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE REALLY HARD INSTEAD OF DYING?" or "Why the fuck didn't you just DO A FUCKIN BACKFLIP, then fuckin CHOP HIS HEAD OFF? FUCK."

The reality is, no matter how many times I tell my video avatar what I would have done in real life in his situation, he simply fails to fucking perform up to my standards. Any manly gamer has surely felt the same frustration I have over and over, but there's hope, for Turok has answered our prayers. Essentially, you play the game in first person with your knife out, engaged in a deadly dance with the raptors. When you come within range of a dinosaur, rather than doing some pathetic bullshit that any other video game hero would do, as soon as you press fire the game goes into third person, and you see Turok stabbing the fuck out of a dinosaur, JUST HOW YOU WOULD HAVE DONE IT IN REAL LIFE! What, think it's too good to be true? Check this out.

Notice how he realizes how stupid and gay it is to use guns, and opts to use his knife instead. A true gamer, I salute him.

I don't believe I could've killed that t-rex any better myself in real life. For the first time ever in a video game, I felt truly immersed, because my avatar finally did shit so truly manly that I could relate to it, rather than just roll my eyes and laugh at how small the character's muscles are. Such is the power of this new technology.

Turok is a franchise with a future my friends. There will come a time when they've perfected mind reading to a science, and they manage to hire away some writers from Bethesda, and when that time comes I will stand up and say for the first time, "Halo 3 has been bested." For now, I recommend you all support EA by buying this incredibly manly game, and await the second coming of TUROK.

I rate this game:

Leisure Suit Geralt

2008-11-22T17:46:00.000-08:00

Confusing title I know, but bear with it

Today on Ouugh Reviews we have a nostalgic, yet original piece of electronic art heinously mistitled The Witcher. Being a Polish game, I can only assume it was an error in translation, and the original title is something more along the lines of The Bitcher, which is decidedly more appropriate given the game's content.

You play as Geralt, as shown in the above picture. Geralt is a man on a mission. Geralt is on a quest of such import that it haunts him every waking hour, turning his life into a living hell as the burden of responsibility slowly but surely creates long term back problems that could negatively affect him in the later years of his life. I'm sure you've managed to guess what it is, but in case you haven't, Geralt must collect as many cards as he can in order to prove that he is the manliest of all Bitchers. To this end, you are armed with a charming mystique, a badass scar, a gravelly voice, a decorative sword, an iron stomach, a toned physique and fists of steel. Wait, what? "What is a card," you ask? I'd expect that sort of question from a casual loser like you. Since you've probably never carded before, I suppose a demonstration is in order.

He said he fucked a she-elf once. What, didn't your fucking dad tell you about the birds and the baseball cards?

It is a well-known fact that all women carry around illustrated cards of themselves to give out after sexual relations as proof of the deed. Clearly, Geralt requires as many of these as possible for his quest. Thematically, this is very reminiscent of early Leisure Suit Larry games, and to a lesser extent this applies to gameplay as well. The differences, however, are more than abundant.

First and most distinct of these differences would have to be the setting. Eschewing the modern day for a more or less standard fantasy fare, The Witcher stands alone amongst card collection simulators in that respect. It was an interesting design decision, allowing for greater liberties to be taken in Geralt's adventures. For instance, Bitchers are genetic mutants, designed to do nothing but get down with the honeys. They are immune to all diseases and are incapable of procreation, which equates to more women wanting to sleep with you on account of the fact that a condom is not necessary to prevent magical AIDS or unwanted progeny. And more interestingly, the setting can make for some rather unconventional cards.

It's just like if black people were green people!

Roger that, tag 'em and card 'em.

The Witcher will differentiate itself even further from its predecessors when it comes to actual gameplay, but as to whether or not that's a good thing is debatable. The addition of cards gives it an edge when it comes to realism, in spite of the fantasy setting. However, it deviates strongly from the original formula, and plays nothing like a classic Sierra adventure game. Rather than going through the long process of getting such and such an item so you can acquire yet another such and such an item is long gone in favor of a more sandbox style. On the plus side, this does mean that they were many more cards available, but at the cost of complexity.

It is sandbox in as much as you are free to go where you please, employing the tricks at your disposal in order to win shiny items to give to women, or money with which to buy shiny items to give to women. Regrettably, the swords on Geralt's back are merely for show; you are not capable of actually using them for anything, which cuts out what would've been a very lucrative task to undertake. Instead, you are allowed to fist fight, out drink people until they give you something valuable, and play dice. You can also pick flowers, but if you manage to give a fuck about picking flowers, consider yourself banned from Ouugh Reviews.

I think this bitch wants to fight me.

Yeah that's what I thought, nerd.

Chief among the listed activities is fist fighting. Taverns have a manly corner, a place where bruisers and busters gather to fight each other and wager on the outcome. You are of course allowed to fight, and bet on yourself. I was able to use this as my main source of income for the acquisition of card inducing goods, as well as an excellent provider of entertainment. The fighting minigame is not terribly complex, yet it is immensely satisfying. It also, on occasion, has a more direct use. Above, you see me slightly drunk, entering some guy's house, and beating him up in order to card his daughter in peace.

For the record, this works in real life. Violence can definitely net you some irl cards.

Moving on, once you've managed to amass a decent amount of wealth, the rest of the process becomes even more straightforward as a rule. And this, my friends, is where the system breaks down. Earlier when I referred to card inducing goods and shiny objects, I was naturally referring to pieces of clothing and jewelry. On average, you need only go to a merchant, purchase said item, and find a lady willing to part with her virtue over a gift from a complete stranger. Now, let's be honest here. Adventure games have never been what you'd consider to be terribly complicated, yet they can be hard at times, and figuring out where to go and what to do and in what order was something resembling a challenge. Why then in Clint Eastwood's sainted name would you dumb down the process even further? To simplify that which is already simple is a sure sign of casualization, which is defined by Webster as the process by which developers turn anything and everything into fucking BULLSHIT.

Step One

Step t...wait, what?

Oh hey, turns out there was only one step. Your eight year old kid will love it.

In a feeble attempt to add some degree of diversity, some of the cards deviate from the norm. Earlier, you saw how I was required to savagely beat an old man. In another occasion, you have to escort a lady to her home, and on yet another occasion, one particularly picky bitch forces you to throw a raging kegger at her house before she'll give up her card. In at least one event, the card turns out to be a trap!

Feelin' drunk and weary, I wandered to the nearest whorehouse

Turns out they were having a 3 for 1 special

Awshi this card is gonna be intense

Hey where'd she go

FUCK!

I go through all that bullshit and it turns out they're fuckin vampires and I get this nasty ass card. OUUUGH

Now, if these elongated sequences were added upon even more, and were the rule rather than the exception they are now, this game may have been able to have proudly stood next to the giants of the past. As things stand however, the vast majority of card encounters, which represent the bulk of the game, quickly become monotonous in the extreme.

On a more positive note, there are occasionally side quests that you may undertake for coin. Typically they're little more than errands, because as I mentioned before the game has no real combat outside of fist fighting, but it does allow you some interaction with various NPCs. This is enjoyable mainly in that the accompanying dialogue is very diverse and engaging, ranging from deep and intellectual, to unabatedly manly.

Deep like the Brocean

Manly as FUCK!

Ultimately however, these do not compensate for the shortcomings of the rest of the game when compared with all that came before it. Though there is something to be said of the originality in creating a card collection simulator with sandbox gameplay in a fantasy setting, the pervading monotony and casualness serve as a sharp reminder that this was not a game made for fans of the classics. The repetitive nature gave me vivid flashbacks of Assassin's Creed, which is saying plenty if you've played the game. To describe The Witcher, I've come up with an equation: Ass Creed + Leisure Suit Larry + Elder Scrolls = Casual Suit Geralt. I don't feel as though I can sum it up any more effectively than that, so buy at your own risk.

I rate this game:

X-Treme Sports - Nerdboppin'

2008-11-02T19:20:00.000-08:00

Fuuuuck!!!!! That's all I gotta say bros actually I lied I gotta say alot more than FUCK because fuck, here at the OUUGH review we review alot of 100% bullshit games so you don't have to waste your time and bux. from board games masquerading as vidyo games to x-treme sports snowmobile sims that barely have any snowmobiles, we let you know the truth and i bet alot of you guys dont realize it, but we haev a really shitty job. I mean yea some of you nerds gotta lift boxes or do paperwork or whatever but me and halp are FORCED to play BULLSHIT VIDEO GAMES 24/7 just to make a living and it KINDA SUCKS JUST A LITTLe. I mean how would you feel if you had to play Sims Double just to pay your mortgage? its bullshit.

ok now that ive cleared that up, I'd just liek to say FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! Rockstar games creators of 100% hXc games like Grand Theft Automobile and Grand ThefT Autobmile 2 And Grand Theft Autobmile 3 and Grand Theft Automboile San Andreas And Grand Theft Autombile 4 oh and Grand Theft Automobile Vice City, sent me a free copy of their latest revolutionary masterpiece: BULLY!! Can you faggots imagine how happy I was to get this totally rad work of ART after having to play PEGGLE!? I mean I haven'te ven said anything about the game yet and you can tel its fuckin awesome, look at the cover thats my guy TOTALLY STICKIN IT TO THA MAN!

ROIT so the first thing I notice about this game is that it doesnt have any copy protection which is 100% bro move on Brostar's part. I mean not that it affected me much its not like I fckin pirated it or anything lol Rockstar sent me a free copy remember? so I boot it up w no strings attached and I was just fuckin amazed, the art of teachers (the man) tryin to oppress little kids that just want chiiiiill ohgod it tells a story all of us know, i fuckin identified with that shit IMMEDIATELY. Unlike some bullshit games like STalker: Clear the Sky where its like HOW DO YOU FUCKING EXPECT ANYONE TO RELATE TO A BIRD FUCKING YOUR WIFE its so stupid lol you know?

ok so graphics wise, yea, this game ain't quite up to giants like Halo 3 and Oblivion, but what it lacks in HDR it makes up for in atmosphere. Its totes immersive, really feels like you're in some bullshit school with fuckin nerds everywhere and teachers trying to tell you to DEW shit like "go to class." The decorations and posters on the walls and shit aer not only 100% masterfully drawn but aer also totally accurate. I mean look at that poster. If you don't vote for that guy you are a fuckin NERD. And it gets even better, sometimes totally cool bros will go around and spraypaint shit on the walls, making the atmosphere EVEN BETTER!!

shit you aint lyin

TARGETS ACQUIRED

i fully expect the premise of bully to revolutionize this bullshit industry. In other games, doin shit you want has a tendency to make the game end prematurely. In this very site you can witness bullshit microsoft snowmobile simulator 2000 give me a game over screen for boppin a nerd and shootin a monkey. fuck am I the only person that finds that to be wholly unreasonable? I'm just a GUY you know I ain't no superman. I see a nerd, I BOP em, can't help it. But that's what's so intense and hXc about BULLY. not only are you ENCOURAGED to bop nerds but it's the ENTIRE FUCKIN POINT OF THE GAME!!! HOLY SHIT!!!! Boppin nerds, scorin w hunnies, and stickin it to tha man ALL WITHOUT GETTIN CAUGHT! Fuck yea let's DEW THIS.

TURNS OUT RULERS DONT MAKE EFFECTIVE WEAPONS, NERD

OUUUGHASM WINS - FATALITY

so one of the major complaints against Brostar is that Bully is basicly just like Grand Theft automobile, except at a school. And I say that's fuckin BULLSHIT. look at those two screenshots above. what do you think that is? I bet you think its me twisting some nerds ear and giving some fattie a huge fuckin wedgie. well guess what you're fuckin wrong as always. that shit is INNOVASHION! spell it /w me nerds I-N-N-O-V-A-S-H-I-O-N. can you give anybody a wedgie in GTA4? no ? then shut the fuck up. I mean shit you can't even wedgie anybody in HALO 3!!! I feel bad sayin this but shit I think Halo 3 needs a sequel to address lack of character customization, wedgies and rape button. oh and furniture.

anyway what you see above is just a sample of all the super awesome nerdtalities and x-treme combat moves. you can like nerd and TACKLE A NERD and then bop him while he's on a the ground or pick up a baseball bat and take that nerd to SKEWL. The possibilities are like endless or some awesome shit like that. But ok, before I get into the the rest of the awesomeness in detail I gotta say man there is a LITTLE BIT of BULLSHIT in this game. First off, all the storyline missions in beginning, your guy is workin for NERDS. It's like What the fuck Brostar? You make this super awesome nerdboppin game then FORCE THE CHARACTER TO WORK FOR NERDS! Fuckin bullshit. and for even more immersion breaking UNREALISM when you finish one of these the nerd rewards you with a SKATEBOARD! What the FUCK would a nerd be doin with a skateboard? he sure as hell aint cool enoug to ride it and he dont got the balls to steal it from someone cooler than himself so just wtf I mean wtf brostar goddamn wtf. ok Ima let that bullshit slide but DONT LET IT HAPPEN AGAIN

lol wutcha got ther, science?

ok the second and last bullshit part about Bully is SCHOOL. Shit takes place in school roit? So the fuckin assholes try to make you go to class. if a school police catches you durin class hours you are FORCED to go to class and deal /w it. Which is 100% bullshit coz I know from personal experience that i never went to class when i was in school. totally unrealistic, immersion breaker, good game. to make it worse you actually HAVE TO DEW SHIT when you're in class. Asshole teacher wants me to mix some bullshit by hittin keys in the right order? yea i dont think thats how chemistry works but whatever lets see what happens

FUUUUUUUUUCK! (nice bloom though)

yea whatever like i care, school aint about classes

Later I got busted again because it turns out if you beat the shit out of girls it spawns a school police RIGHT NEXT TO YOU so its rly hard to finish beating up the girl AND escaping. its double bullshit because first off school police don't just SPAWN trust me I know I've been there, second off I managed to beat up the girl but no rape button? yea whatever I guess I'll just have to deal with ENGLISH CLASS where they make you unscramble an assortment of letters into a bunch of bullshit words but bro? Fuckin teacher don't even know Englsih

Yea I failed English because I guess my fuckin hasshole teacher doesnt think lol and shit are english words. i think this school needs better hiring standards but guys its chill, because I got the skateboard now and when im being threatened with school police? I just cruise away so tight. The skateboarding is so awseome you can like glide on rails and shit and jump and shit and oh man it's like x-treme skateboarding simulator, but before you assholes even say it it does not rip off tony hawk! Bully dont rip off NOTHIN. the way skateboarding is done is totally original what way is that you ask? its fuck off lets move on to more important shit

with all the bullYshit out the way (lol you see that) we can now focus on what makes this game a masterpise that will be remembered for years to come. there's more ways to be a DICK to nerd and jock and girl alike in Bully than there are ways to be a faggot in Final Fantasy 1-20. I'll list everything I can remember but shit it just ain't gonna cover the full spectrum of awXum and rly convey to you the sense of IMMENSITY that Bully gievs when you play.

DEAL

IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Aw hell yea, stealing a fire extinguisher and hrawling my classmates was fuckin awesome, but you think it stops there? try sneaking into the girls dorm and throwing stink bombs everywhere. I even fuckin put a stink bomb in this bitch's locker at the gym and she opened it and fuckin THREW UP!! LOL!!! Ah shi man pushing people into trash cans, pulling fire alarm, snipin nerds w sling slot, shit where does it end? maybe it doesnt bro the fun seems fuckin limitless. Imo if they make a Sims Tripl (which they probably will shit always comes in tripl) they need to first play this game for at least 10,000 hours and take some motherfuckin notes aight? Coz sims is straight bullshit compared to bully. This game is so fuckin BROTASTIC that it even has a BEACH! Yea you can spend your days scopin out babes and chillin in the waves and rays of mother nature.

and at last we come to the hunnies. Well shit I didn't wanna end this on a negative note but the hunny card collection simulation seems PRETTY FUCKIN WEAK. Alroit, first off, it doesn't seem possible to actually SCORE. You just dew this little bitch ass kisses in public and shit and goddamn shit's a gay waste of time. And to make matters worse the shit has like a mandantory introduction quest THAT YOU CAN'T AVOID. Remember how I said the game makes you dew missions for nerds???? WELL THIS IS EVEN WORSE.

TURNS OUT BULLY DOES RIP OFF SOMETHING: KING KONG!!!!!

Fuckin bullshit game FORCED me to go get this fatty's chocolates for her when irl I'd have been like YEA HAHA like you need more calories you fuckin WHALE. Maybe you should stick to the regular whale diet of PLANKTON mother nature's unbuttered popcorn. MAYBE YOUD DROP A FEW POUNDS. But yea due to somebody at Rockstar being fat when he was a kid I had to do this bullshit quest, so I bring her the chocolates and GUESS WHAT HAPPENS???

GRODY!

FUCKING ASSHOLE IMMERSION KILLING BULLSHIT! WHY YOU MAKING ME MAKE OUT WITH KING KONG? Right next to the BATHROOM TOO where she probably goes to shit like every 5 minutes due to eating so much goddamn chocolate. Ah well what the fuck ever just if you get this game? I advise you to stay away from the chicks there's no rape button and they're fuckin bullshit.

Anyway if you look past a few minor instances of X-TREME FAGGOT BULLSHIT then Bully is a fuckin work of art. it goes where NO OTHER game has gone before and lets you relive your high school days as a TOUGH GUY. it probably even has some shit YOU didnt dew when you were a professional nerdbopper haha! not me though coz I pretty much did everything there is to fuckin do. So yea get this game like LAST WEEK, unless you're a fuckin nerd, in which case? PUT ON YOUR GLASSES AND DEAL /W YOUR SHITTY LIFE WHILE EVERYONE ELSE PLAYS BULLY

I rate this game:

Ocean of BULLSHIT

2008-11-02T02:15:00.001-08:00

Allright losers, professional video game reviewer HALPLANDER has returned to tell you that, dude, this game is fucking BULLSHIT! Todays review is on the pile of bullshit called "The Ship". At first you might be like, "Woah dude the ship fuckin game about the ocean and shreading gnar waves so clutch like you dont even know" but that would be WRONG! THE ONLY THING THIS GAME IS ABOUT IS BEING BULLSHIT. BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT. I normally would avoid such obvious displays of fucking bulllshit, but bro, shit was like 5 bux so I was all SHIT SON SNATCH THAT. But guess what? SHIT'S NOT WORTH 5 BUCKS. WHAT THE FUCK!!!! No, seriously, what the fucking shit is this? How do you manage to make a game thats not worth 5 dollars? This shit isn't even worth playing for free, so tell me bro, how the fuck do you manage that. J/k bro, its like a rhetorical question or some shit you don't gotta answer because I already know the answer: THE GAME IS BULLSHIT!

So after the game stole my 5 dollars from me, it had me download THREE FUCKING PROGRAMS ON STEAM(all of them probably containing malware... fucking pos). This includes a tutorial, the singleplayer game, and the multiplayer game. This just made me fucking laugh when I saw it bro. It's like, uuuuhhh, devs? What are you, too fucking stupid to include this shit in your fucking menus? Hahaha, It was this moment that I braced myself for bullshit. I then got a headstart in uninstalling this shit by saying FUCK YOU TUTORIAL, I PLAY BY MY OWN RULES and deleting the FUCK out of that bitch. Then I had to wait an hour and a half for Norton Antivirus to scan my computer for all the malware it prbly left behind. Yea, waiting for virus scans is real fun, The Ship.

So then I fire up the single player, test the waters you know? Well dude I'll tell you know its bullshit. The developers don't fucking know how to make a sensible menu, I was stuck at it for like 30 minutes. The only options were shit like "ENGINE ROOM" "START A CRUISE" and I was like, wtf? Did I just pay 5 bucks for a fucking text adventure? So then in my rage and frustration I managed to skip this screen and get on with the game. I first notice that the graphics are TOTAL SHIT. It was a fucking cutscene(so I'm guessing it was pre-rendered or some boolshi). Srsly it looks like a fucking gay ass cartoon for kids. How am I supposed to be immersed in this bullshit? F-- for graphics seriously, this game must be made for kids or some shit. Kids who like shitty graphics. First thing that happens? SOME ASSHOLE TELLIN ME I GOTTA PLAY BY HIS RULES. Apparently you didn't hear me cockmunch, I said HALPLANDER ONLY LIVES BY HIS OWN RULES. So I fucking shut that shit down and uninstalled that gay shit.

TEAL SHIRT GAY.

So this only left multiplayer to save this games @$ from being a pile of bullshit. I didn't expect any miracles. So starting this up(srsly, where the fucking menu @$holez?) I was confronted by the same text adventure bullshit as single player. Wow. A multiplayer text adventure game. HOW EXCITING... NOT! So, as I did before, I mashed my keyboard and mouse in a rage until I proceed to the game. I joined a server and the graphics, unsurprisingly, were still gay cartoon bullshit. Except this time there was no cutscene and I was put right into a first person view. Ok... so wait... This game is basically trying to be Halo 3? But it has fucking cartoon graphics? WOW. I PAID 5 DOLLARS FOR HALO 3: CHILDRENS EDITION. Fucking they need to put a warning on this crap to avoid shit like this. So, I have no weapon. So I cruise around looking for a weapon pick up or something. NOTHING. Then out of fucking nowhere, some asshole kills me. YEA THATS COOL, GIVE MY ENEMIES WEAPONS BUT ME NONE. I then Alt-tabbed to check out gameFAQs to see where the sniper spawn is. TURNS OUT, THERE IS NO SNIPER. BULLSHIT! I have to check dressers and shit for fucking gay crap like umbrellas and rolling pins. Ugh, such fucking kiddy shit.

So I cruise out on the ship(btw the ocean in the game looks like crap, this is not acceptable) lookin for a nerd to bop. I spot one, charge out and POW! I get the kill but I'm also fined. What the fuck? Who thought it would be a good idea to be PUNISHED for killing nerds? After another trip to GameFAQs, turns out that you can only kill who the game tells you to. I managed to resist uninstalling the game at this point for the sake of this review, so you fuckers better be thankful. So, using the horrible map(theres no fucking minimap), I track down the BUTTHEAD I'm supposed to kill and POW! I get arrested. WHAT THE FUCKING SHIT!

FUCKING BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT!

WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU PUT POLICE THAT ARREST YOU IN A GAME WHERE THE GOAL IS KILLING PEOPLE?!? ASFAOFSUIHOAS! When this fucking happens, NOT only do you lose like ALL YOUR FUCKING MONEY, but you also gotta sit in fucking jail for a million fucking years. Yea, I always wanted to play a game about fucking WAITING! I WAS JOKING BECAUSE WAITING ISNT FUN IF I WANTED TO WAIT I'D PLAY SOME SHIT GAME LIKE TEAM SHITRESS 2. How the fuck am I supposed to kill anyone in the game If even holding a fucking umbrella gets me fucking arrested. What if it was fucking raining? Fucking corrupt judge just wants to fucking tase bros and bring us down. Look at that corrupt mother fucker up there. WELL FUCK YOU JUDGE, I'M NOT GONNA LET YOU HAVE YOUR WAY, I LIVE BY MY OWN RULES. Fucking game just trys to make everyone who plays it into a fuckin' corporate tewl, dude. Fucking bullshit.

After a good nights sleep, I woke in the morning to find I was finally out of jail. But it was too late to go kill the nerd I had to bop because the game only gives you like 10 seconds to do that and if you go to jail you're fucking fucked. So fucking basically you're fucked no matter fucking what because fucking all you fucking do in this fucking game is fucking go to fucking jail. A new round started, I get a new nerd to bop. I track him down ready to bop him. But guess what? He gets sent to fucking jail. And I cant bop him. FUCKING COOL. NOT ONLY DOES THE JUDGE FUCKING WRECK YOUR SHIT WHEN YOURE ARRESTED, BUT HE ALSO GOES TO THE LENGTHS TO SAVE YOUR PREY FROM GETTING BOPT. WOW, SO FUN(sarcasm in case u culdnt tell, i no its sumtimes hard to tell frum text). And then some asshole comes up and kills me and I gotta wait for the round to end. This made me so fucking angry my skill in reviewing games professionally dropped 10 points. So I closed the game and deleted it. If the devs wanted to rly get money they shouldve given the game out for free and charge $5 to uninstall it. They'd be fuckign BILLIONAIRES.

So after I uninstalled, I realized that it was a game for children. The emphasis on gettin arrested and NOT BEING ABLE TO KILL PEOPLE probably means it was intended to teach children to obey the law and shit. This is fine and all, except NO WHERE ON THE PRODUCT DESCRIPTION DID IT MENTION THIS WAS AN EDUCATIONAL GAME FOR LITTLE KIDS. I DONT WANT TO LEARN ABOUT THE LAW, I WANNA FUCKING BOP SOME NERDS! Probably my foolish moment, paying 5 dollars for a little kid's educational game. Even so, if i was a little kid learnin shit from this? I'd want some graphics that didn't BLOW ASS LOL! I don't think I gotta tell you bros to avoid this shit at all costs.

I rate this game:

Jurassic Park: The Video Game

2008-10-27T00:21:00.000-07:00

Hello readers, the game of the day is DinoPark Tycoon, a game based directly on the successful Spielburg movie, "Jurassic Park." I know that sounds excellent, but I would advise you not to jump to any conclusions based upon heritage. This game is 100% bullshit, and bears little semblance to its award winning progenitor film. This becomes doubly tragic when you take a look at the people who contributed to this failure.

Oh we'll see about that, nerd.

Do not be alarmed. Your eyes are not malfunctioning, and that is not the work of the tool known as Photoshop. DinoPark Tycoon was created by Manley Associates Incoporated. It seems that Thor is not without a sense of humor, having someone born with such an unbelievably awesome name grow up to the the kind of person that would create a game like this. Speaking of which, I suppose I should get around to forcing myself to say a thing or two about it.

Hey, really? Because I was thinking of picking up some land at the grocery store. What is this game made for fucking kids or something?

Immediately upon starting a new game, our hands are immediately held by none other than a highly pixellated dinosaur wearing a cheesy suit and a top hat. Just glancing at that artistic abortion sent casual chills down my hardcore spine, which was unnerving on multiple levels I assure you. The talking bullshitsaur needlessly guides you through the first steps of the game, which includes buying a piece of land, some fencing to keep dinosaurs in, hiring an employee, then actually buying a dinosaur.

Funny, I don't recognize any of these names from the movie. Where's my fucking velociraptor?

Above is the dinosaur selection screen. What could have been a triumphant achievement in gaming is instead reduced to a featureless flop. The process is entirely devoid of any Jurassic Park flavor. You do not, for instance, have to do any R&D of your own to create a dinosaur. You do not have to convince any investors of the potential of your endeavor; the bank merely starts you off with a meager loan that wouldn't be able to buy a shack in North Dakota, much less a theme park based on cutting edge genetic technology. The struggle to create the park is essentially nonexistent. The game even goes so far as to suggest that you are not the first, nor will you be the last. There is mention of other successful parks, and to top it off, a dinosaur auction of all things.

In the future, money is printed with the picture of a wigged bullshitsaurus.

The above is me bidding on a dinosaur auction. Note that while you do not actually ever see the whole of your avatar, there is a good cause for this because judging by the evidence in this picture he is in fact Mickey Mouse.

Those gloves look familiar.

Now might be a good time to critique the artistic direction and graphics, given what I've just pointed out. Not only do the utterly pixellated models make DinoPark look as though it was made in the mid 90's , but what boggles me is why they would rip off Disney artistically. There is simply no place for cartoonish drawings and references in a game themed after such an epic blockbuster, renowned for its breakthroughs in the field of special effects. It seems to me they spent roughly 90% of their budget securing the Jurassic Park IP from whoever it belongs to, and only afterwards realized their mistake, which precluded them from designing a decent 3D engine, or even hire a decent artist. I would perhaps be more forgiving if the issue was only in the quality, but there is clearly intent to make the dinosaurs seem as unimposing and tame as possible, so as to not frighten children and the sort of people that actually scream when watching horror movies.

Hardcore Rex - how I expect my video dinosaurs to look

Casual Rex - now dumbed down for mass consumption

Bullshit Rex - there just to confuse you

In the above picture, the dinosaur on the upper left is my tyrannosaur. Not only are the graphics shitty, but they're just as inconsistent. The t-rex on the info page is completely different in structure and color than the one you actually see in your park if you manage to buy one.

The end of the road for me was when after running the park for some time, I realized it was impossible to have a dinosaur escape and eat your tourists. Think about it. They made a game about dinosaurs, the most hardcore creatures to have ever walked the Earth next to Vikings, and they aren't even capable of chewing up a few babies. Not to mention, escaped dinosaurs is like the entire plot of Jurassic Park, the film this crap is supposed to be based upon. It would've even made for interesting gameplay as you had to manage the press fallout from the incident and continue convincing people to attend your park. More casual concessions I suppose.

Ultimately, DinoPark Tycoon is a bland, featureless game that does not capture the atmosphere, spirit, or even theme of the now classic cinema it is based upon. It does not live up the name of the man who created it - Manley. And it does not make any fucking sense. I don't understand why they bothered paying so much money for the Jurassic Park IP, when they didn't even bother to include it in the name of their game!

I rate this game:

Fallout(OF AN ANUS) 2

2008-10-15T22:03:00.001-07:00

Righteous, so bro I was loik totes scopin' out this rad lookin' game, Fallout 3. IMO it looks pretty fucking GNAR, even though it is a bit of a halo rip. But I've come to accept that it's impossible NOT to ripoff Halo 3 because the triple invented fucking EVERYTHING. Though I do think Bethesda is going a bit too far by copying the 3 in Halo 3's name. But bro you never know, Fallout 3 might TOTALLY earn it's 3, but I doubt it. NEWAY so I'm lookin up infoz on Fallout 3: Halo 2, and I come across a piece of shit game called "FALLOUT 2". Fallout 2 is a knockoff game of Fallout 3, that uses similarities between the two titles so people will actually buy the shitty game, very similar to "Snakes on a Train" and "Snakes on a Plane". It's made by some nerd company called "Interplay" which is some group of fuckin' losers who specialize in making shitty knockoffs of popular games. Interplay even ripped off one of Bethesda's previous masterpieces, Oblivion, and called it Baldurs Gate or some shit. Here's a chart to help you understand how this shit works.
So yea, as you can probably already tell, Fallout 2 is fucking bullshit. It's clear from the moment you look at it, that it's intended just to rip you off. Theres a bunch of pictures of it on the internet that show some sort of desert like the one Fallout 3 takes place in, but THAT'S NOT IN THE FUCKING GAME! The only fucking similarity Fallout 2 has with 3 is the name and robot on the cover. The screenshots you see of Fallout 2 are ALL FUCKING LIES to get you to buy this piece of shit game thinking it's Fallout 3. Which, IMO, you'd still have to be pretty stupid to do since THE GRAPHICS ARE FUCKING SHIT!!! Fallout 2 looks fucking 2D and come on its not the industrial revolution anymore holy shit. Get with the times, even if you're making a cheap knockoff. I guess I should be thankful for playing a game with some sort of graphics after playing those shitty boardgames, Darwinia and Multiwinia. So, bro, as I said, the similarities end at the cover. But I'd still be pretty fuckin' pissed bro if I were like Bethesda and I saw these fucking losers knocking off my masterpiece with a pile of bullshit.

So, I start up the game, intro sequence talking about America getting blown up or some shit which is fucking BULLSHIT because YOU CAN'T BEAT AMERICA YOU FUCKING TERRORISTS. So far off to a bad immersion-breaking start. It also had me create my dude. Which would be chill, IF THERE WEREN'T LIKE ONLY 3 FACES TO CHOSE FROM. WTF??? Yea, NICE variety there Interplay you lazy motherfuckers. It also brings me to some fucking page where I didn't know what the fuck to do. There were a shitload of options talking about strength, perks, blablablba, NERD SHIT. I clicked around randomly hoping to find the next page button and eventually I did. The "game"(I put quotations marks around game because this games such a PIECE OF SHIT you can hardly call it a game, LMAO!!!) started, and I was expecting some desert gun shootan, but NO. In Fallout 2, you play as a mother fucking BITCHASS indian BITCHASSING around because you must complete your rite of passage to become a man or some shit. BULL-FUCKING-SHIT INTERPLAY. So I have to click like a MILLION times on some IMMERSION BREAKING box thats CONSTANTLY on the bottom of the screen so the tribe queen or some shit will shut the fuck up and dump her bitch-ass back in the corner. First thing I fucking notice is THIS ISN'T EVEN AN FPS. Seriously Interplay, what the fuck? How fucking stupid are you? DO YOU KNOW WHAT FIRST PERSON IS? If so, then WHY ISN'T YOUR FPS IN FIRST PERSON? WSAD doesn't fucking move my guy so I don't know what the fuck I do. I tried clicking to see if I could at least shoot, but rather than that, I fucking moved. Wow. Wrong perspective AND backwards controls? You mother fuckers.

So after like an hour of trying to figure out what the fuck to do I scoot my way to some ancient Incan temple where I guess I have to complete my rite of passage. This temple is where you spend the entire game. Yep. So I spend the next 6 or so hours shitting around in this fucking temple going in fucking circles because that's all you can fucking do. Theres a few giant scorpions(Wow, how fucking original) that you can fight, but it's boring as shit because fights just consist of CLICK ON SHIT. YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO FUCKING AIM HOLY SHIT THIS GAME IS CASUAL SHIT. You know you've pretty much beaten the game when you reach a door in the temple that teases you saying it can be blown up or opened or some shit I can't fucking remember. But the fucking thing is, IT CANT. You don't have a fucking key. You don't have explosives. It's just there to make you keep bumfucking around in the fucking temple for another fucking million hours. And brody? That BLOEZ. Length-wise, the game isn't so bad since 7 hours of play time IS FUCKING LONG AS SHIT. I mean, I thought Halo and Gears of War were long, clocking in at 6 hours, but holy shit this game is fucking LOOOONG. Too bad the whole thing is in one fucking small temple where theres NOTHING TO FUCKING DO after you kill like the 5 scorpions in the game. If they weren't trying to knock off Fallout 3, theyed probably name this "Kill 5 Scorpions and Walk Around a Temple for a Long Time 2: The Reckoning".

So that's the entire game. And all of it is BULLSHIT. CASUAL BULLSHIT. The FPS part of it wasn't worked on enough, so all of those aspects are fucked up. There's a bunch of useless shit around to break your immersion(like the BIG BAR AT THE BOTTOM OF THE SCREEN WHICH ONLY PURPOSE IS TO BREAK IMMERSION) or a shitload of useless menus(like the equipment screen, yea that'd be great TOO BAD THERES NO EQUIPMENT. Unless you wanna take off your dudes clothes but that's just fucking GAY, like this GAYme.[lol, see what I did there?]) If Bethesda was dead, they'd be rolling in their grave because of this shit. Seriously dude, if you're like visiting China or some shit and you see this next to all the bootleg DVDs in some shady market or some shit DON'T BUY IT. IT'S NOT WORTH THE FUCKING DOLLAR OR WHATEVER THE FUCK. Actually shit, I think it'd be for free because China are fucking Communist Facists and are all abount giving to the people and shit. Whatever, DON'T FUCKING TAKE IT BECAUSE IF YOU DO YOU'RE LETTING THE TERRORISTS WIN. Then again, since this fuckin' grom game is totes made for casuals, and casuals don't know much about video games bro, they might be fooled and that's so not cash because even a casual would probably get bored of this shit. Fallout 3 needs to like, hurry up and come out, bro, so it can, like, fuckin', blow this fuckin' shitty-ass piece of ass-shit out of the fucking WATER. Seriously, FO3 is gonna be like the best game after Halo tripple. As for this game, take a fucking vacation to fucking Mexico or Spain or some shit and get lost in an Incan Temple for a million years. It's probably just as fun and less casual than Fallout 2.

I rate this game:

2 MUCH SIMS 2 HANDL

2008-10-12T16:54:00.000-07:00

Whoaly shit!!! check it you fuckin SALLIES this game is THE SIMS 2! And shit I never thought i'd say what im about to say but guess what??? Sims Double is more complicated than HALO 3 and OBLIVION put together in a kettle and stirred with a bit of GRAND THEFT AUTOMOBILE then sprinkled with a touch of GUITAR HERO then violently churned together wtih FINAL FANTASY 7!!! Shea I know they're all great games and that's sayin alot but you don't believe me? KEEP READIN!

The Sims know no fuckin mercy, shit's already givin me 3 choices!!

Alroit so the first thing you do is pick a neighborhood(shit was tuff). It's kiiiiiiinda bullshit though because bro im no professor but im pretty suer that Veronilla place is loik that movie Romeo + Juliet with Leonardio. Shit was way weird bro they were like dressed up pretty chill and they had guns and shit but fuck they talked so weird i couldnt understand a fuckin thing!! I hope the game isn't like that oh and also strangetown has like aliens or some shi just like that movie ALIENS! And close encounters of the Triple Kind but that shit was made in like 1937 or some crazy shit I Can't watch that shit oh and pleasantview? Hey kinda sounds like PleasantTOWN! That movie was bullshit too. The sims may be x-treme but they sure like to ripoff ppl

rofl dweeb!!!!

I picked Vernillavill coz I didn't wanna deal w no fuckin aliens also juliet was pretty hot in that movie so it made alot of sense at the time. And then it took me to character creation, where it wanted me to be that fuckin FAGGOT up there! LOL! I was like NAH bro Ima make him look how I do irl:

picture of me OUUGHING when I saw 300!!!

At least I TRIED To make him look how I do IRL!!! Character creation totally fuckin overwhelmed me! There musta been like 100 x 100 options which is like 200 options with 300 possible outcomes! Fuck I didn't even know where to start shit was so overwhelming and complicated and shit I just got so stressed trying to make my Sim look manly that I was liek fuck if character creation is this hXc then the rest of the game is gonna give me a heart attack. eventually i jsut said fuck this boolshi ima just make my guy INTENSE even though not quite like me

Sup jerks meet Dirk SteelAbs. Ima mack it to evry chick I see and fuckin BEAT UP every dweeb that steps on my lawn!!! YEA!! But wait, fuck, the last part of char create is personality so I'm like YEA! I'm fuckin grouchy, lazy, sloppy, and SERIOUS AS FUCK. Don't mess w me. So I go to hit ok? And its like nah you can't do that spend more points and I was like FUCK you game that's how I do you don't even know shit game's basically telling me that DIRK STEELABS is a fuckin FAGGOT. Was kinda fuckin bullshit so I got moer neat and less lazy and it finally let me go.

So I go and buy a house but w8!! Shit ain't got no furnituer! WTf shit don't even got a toilet? I was so fuckin confused I was like WHAT DO I DO D: I was lookin through all the shit and holy fuck there's more furnituer than there was char creation options! Shit is so fuckin complicated I couldn't even be fuckin bothered to figure out how a normal house would be so I gave up on it. So then I was like well SHIT I want everything to be CONVEIENT ROIT? I don't wanna walk around my house like I gotta do irl that's kinda bullshit so I put my bed in the middle of downstairs living room, put my shower RIGHT next to it, then put the toilet right on the wall next to that right in the open. Yeah that's how houses would be designed if architects HAD A FUCKIN CLEW. Also my bro was afraid of FIYAR for no fuckin reason! That's bullshit I ain't afraid of no fire. So to halp him get over his fear I put an outdoors grill ROIT in the kitchen next to the FRIDGE and the WORKOUT MACHINE! (gotta get pumped to bop some nerds)

I gotta say though this game reminds me of some crazy bullshit you remember when you were a kid and those cootie infested girls were always playin HOUSE instead of playing with our DICKS LIKE THEY SHOULDA BEEN? Yea Sims is kinda like that only hXc because you don't get to just MAKE SHIT UP like those sissy 6 y/o bitches do, you gotta obey the LAWS of REALITY! Which actually is kinda like wait what the fuck THE SIMS RIPS OFF REAL LIFE! Fuck that's pretty low, I dunno of the complex gameplay will be able to make up for rippin off the irl. But maybe I'll forgive it if the game lets me live as kickass a life as my life irl! (I have many friends and like 5 girlfriends and a porch)

so the first thing I notice is that these SIMS in Vanillafill? They talk just like faggots in that Romeo + Juliet movie I was talkin about.

Dont watch the whole thing just listen to how they talk, cant understand a fuckni THING!

Lol see? SAME BULLSHIT total ripoff

hey baby wanna touch my helmet? LOL!!!

so here you see me mackin it to TWO hunnies and one's all like yea I watch Law and Order! Meanwhile this fuckin asshole nerd they brought along watches on wishing he had a helmet like mine. So I was like ok this is pretty sweet BUT I Gotta make this fuckin nerd gtfo my shit. So I start arguing with him about OIL! Yeah oil he's like bro oil is cool! And I'm like BITCH that's Mother Earth's BLOOD and you and the CORPOS drink it every day! YOU MAKE ME SICK! Then I SMACKED HIM and he ran away to cry LOL! Then he fuckin left

ok now that this nerd is running away crying I can make my move on da ladies

so only the redhaired chick stays and I show her my crib and yeah she's digging it and shit's cool but she has to go to the bathroom and she gets all fuckin pissed that there's like no walls around the toilet. And I'm like WELL FUCK Sorry I'm not a rocket scientist and couldn't think of "WALLS" just fuckin go already but she kept shootin me away until I finally said alroit fuck it ima go make us some dinner. Time to finally fire up that GRILL I have right in the middle of the kitchen and cook hot dogs - manly fewd. but holy shit you know how hardcore this game is? This game is so hardcore that if you turn on a grill in the middle of the kitchen that shit SETS ON FIRE~!!!

she's all concerned and panicing but im all nah its chill babe ima save the day

So I totally fuckin showed that fire who was BOSS! Then after I hrawled the fire by myself coz I didn't install a fire alarm get this, my dude wasn't afraid of fire anymore! holy shit that is some choice and consequence right there, this game is just so deep and complex and so many levels I don't even know how to TELL you.

So my babe went home and my dude is super lazy so he doesn't clean up and shit right? So then he wakes up and WITHOUT ME TELLING HIM TO goes and eats a fuckin rotten ass hotdog that's been sitting out for like ever. So then the motherfucker gets food poisoning and starts barfing in the toilet which is RIGHT NEXT TO THE BED until it became clogged. Then coz of all the rotten food and shit furniture layout and lack of decoration and the clogged, smelly unflushly vomit filled toilet, my dude got super fuckin stressed out and kinda stopped loik listening to me and shit, which is a bit of a problem coz I had invited the megababe from last night over!

Fire is pretty serious business and I didn't wanna have it screw up my chance to score so I moved the grill outside and cooked up some hotdogs. And yeah I'm in my fuckin boxers so what? I do what I want. Anyway I ate the hotdogs I made but forgot to serve them to megababe, so megababe goes over and eats the hotdogs that I had previously made but were outside for some reason sitting on the ground.

Yea dumb bitch ate THOSE hotdogs just like me, and guess whaT? I couldn't unclog the toilet before she got here. So now both of us got food poisoning and we keep takin turns PUKING AND SHITTING IN THE SAME CLOGGED TOILET and the shower was broken and there was water everywhere next to my bed and oh shit my dude was just so stressed. I kept trying to score and shit but every time we were gonna make it one of us had to HURL! Shit was grody like you wouldn't believe so eventually she left and my dude went to sleep. Fuckin wakes up, gets out of bed, and POW! Falls over dead. Now I dunno if it was that food poisoning or the germs from the fucked up toilet or just stress from having such a shitty house but holy shit this game is intense!

toiletbed aftermath

So my guy died so I was like what the fuck ever I still got a few lives or somethin it's ok I'll try again to score. So I'm waitin around for like 5 minutes coz the server was laggin or some bullshit and the respawn button didn't come up. 30 minutes later it fuckin hit me: THIS GAME HAS NO RESPAWN!!!!!!! Holy SHIT!!! Not only is this game more complicated than Oblivion, but it's more HARDCORE THAN HALO 3! I never thought I'd see the day bros but the Halo trilogy has been laid low by EA Games coz bro let me tell you, they challenge everything.

You know what this means right? IT means I had to go through that fuckin BULLSHIT complicated character creation again! But whatever I'm not gonna die this time, I'm not gonna fuckin die in the pursuit of chasing hunnies in the Sims coz let me tell you, it ain't that great. I mean shit it's a great game and all but they really fucked up the scorin part, watch this video you'll see what I mean.

bitch don't do nothin but whine while the guy thinks of cool shit like boats

aight Guram Ironballs is here to set shit straight. No fewlin around with hunnies, no fuckin bullshit, we're gonna get us a job and go straight to fuckin TOP! But it ain't gonna be no corpo job oh no, the man can't tase Ironballs. Guram's gonna be a fuckin pro athlete yeah! Alright so time to buy a house and....FUCK!

THIS LOOKS FAMILIAR

I BOUGHT THE SAME FUCKIN HOUSE DIRK DIED IN. And the fuckin asshole real estate agent that sold me it failed to clean up and/or tell me about the toilet so clogged a freighter full of Draino and dynamite couldn't hope to clear it up. So now I gotta clean all this bullshit up before my guy goes crazy and dies like Dirk. Fuckin bullshit this is just like irl when shit's dirty and you gotta clean it? Yea I hate that fuckin part of irl. Next time you make a game LEAVE OUT THE BULLSHIT PARTS NO ONE WANTS TO DO PLEASE. I mean I know it's hardcore and all but shit I just don't know if I can handle this.

so after I clean myself up I got myself a job as a MASCOT! FUCK YEAH take that corpos you can't touch me, I'm workin for the sportsbros. So my plan is to be such a fuckin awesome mascot that the football players realize how BUFF and TUFF I am so they recruit me to their team and I can make billions per month like irl foozball players do. So yea I go to work and shit's goin ok and it gives me this like event popup some shit went crazy and some mascot died and it wants to know what I do. So I'm like CAPITALIZE BABY now is our chance to RAWK the mascot world! but it didn't work so I was like whatever, apparently my bro was so fuckin busy at work all day that he forgot to do super complicated shit like EAT, coz when the carpool dropped me off at home Guram Ironballs promptly fuckin dropped dead of starvation.

my camel-clad co-worker mourns my loss as the grim reaper reads about how awesome I was

He's not fat he's big faced

Alright I was gettin pretty sick of this shit by this point, permanent death? No respawn? more like BULLSHIT! So I made my last Sim, U WANNA FIGHT ME!?!??! He was born blind, not because his eyes didn't work, but because his eyebrows are so fuckin huge they cover his eyes. But he learned to bop nerds despite his disability and now he's going after VERMINVILLE! For this guy there will be no hunnies, there will be no job, there will only be 24/7 ass kicking, nerd bopping, suckah slayin, and dweeb poundin.

Okay so first off I YET AGAIN moved in to the same fuckin house that my first two assholes died in, and the first thing I see upon arriving is Guram's co-worker, still dressed in camel suit, weeping. I mean shit don't you got something better to do? Go mourn in your LIVEJOURNAL you fucking NANCY! So I tell her to get the fuck out my shit coz Ironballs don't live here no mo. Then after many hours of workin out on the machine, I get sufficiently jacked to ponch some fuckin faggots! But wtf, this game isn't very good simulator. Ok how it works with me irl is basicly I see some nerd, and I walk up to him and then BOP! They never even see it comin I don't know no fuckin mercy my style is impetuous my defense is impregnable im the best eva amen god WHAT?! Yea that's how it should go but in this game to fight someone you gotta make them hate you first, which is pretty bullshit.

God it's so easy to make these faggots cry, I don't even have to make them watch Lucas or anything.

Instead of gettin into a fight all the fags that pass through my neighborhood just run away from me. Yea I guess they know what's up and all but how come everywhere I go no one wanna fight me? How do you expect me to WIN the GAME unless I can POUND NERDS?!?!? Coz this game is basically irl simulator and you win irl only by beatin up fags and gettin hunnies and this game kinda sucks at both. Just when I was about to give up hope a MIRACLE HAPPENED I shit you not. Some faggot in an Easter bunny costume fell from the sky and I knew in my heart that I was about to EMBRACE DESTINY.

First I make him CRY by pointing out the fact that it's not possible to surf in an Easter bunny costume

I EMPLOY STEALTH TACTICS AGAINST THE BUNNY AND WAIT IN AMBUSH

POW, bunny goes DOWN!

cha looks like SOMEBODY is butthurt - literally! (no seriously I think I fucking raped the easter bunny)

With that victory I ended my Sims career, because seriously? All the shit I did in this game I can do irl with less hassle. I mean shit I can't deny how hardcore this game is. Between death out of fuckin NOWHERE combined with no respawn, and the totes confusing OCEAN of furniture (where tf would I put a shower anyway man I don't know this shit) and faces and bullshit this is hands down the most hXc game in the WORLD, too hXc even for me and Im suer you all know by now that I am 100% fuckin pro gamer.

But it works out because you see, the only kind of gamer with a core HARD enuff to play this game is the kinda fuckin NERD that can't get any hunnies or drink any brews coz he's too busy playing The Sims. It's a vicious fuckin cycle and I dunno what came first, the chicken or the nerd, but there's a few people out there who appreciate being able to get pixel chix and do all the shit in a video game that I do irl no problem coz they can't do it irl. But for the rest of us, bro just fuckin skip this game, hop in your car, bring a few for the road, and scoot on over to Chad's pad coz this shit is NOT FOR YOU!

Ripoff count: Pleasantville, Close Bullshit of the Trip, Leonardio + Juliet, Every movie ever made, House, REAL LIFE, vomit, Final Fantasy 7

I rate this game:

Fuck I'm gonna die or some shit bro

2008-10-05T04:03:00.000-07:00

Holy fucking shit bro I fuckin don't know what the fuck I did last night but holy shit did I wake this morn feeling like total shit. Seriously dude its like fuuuuck I feel like im gonna die. I'm gonna like fucking throw up but instead of puke bro its just gonna be snot and bro thats fucking grody. God damn dude I can hardly fucking breathe and holy shit I feel like shit. And bro on top of feeling like total fucking shit, I feel even more like fucking shit because it's fucking four-fucking-thirty in the fucking morning and fucking I'm fucking tired as FUCK. God damn what the fuck am I gonna do I should fucking call a doctor tell him to take me to the emergency room or something holy shit thats how fucking terrible I feel. Also, this fucking "game" Multiwinia.

Look at that top banner? Tell me what game it is? Yea, you're right it's that fucking BULLSHIT board game, Darwinia. PYSCHE!!! It's fucking Darwinia: Double Bullshit Edition AKA Multiwinia. Fucking shit I feel like I'm about to collapse I feel so shitty and tired. Those fucking cunts who made Darwinia just fucking LOVE getting money for a shitty board game. They love it so much they decided to give it a new fucking name and sell it again. Yea, your game has NO FUCKING GRAPHICS and you figure your problem is the name. Yea, who the fuck let you dick shits make games. FUCKING SNOT JUST KEEPS DRIPPING OUT OF LIKE EVERYWHERE. God I just want to go to sleep, but I fucking CANT. YOU KNOW WHY??? Because of my fucking freeloading asshole bumfuck of a cat. 1, this fat shit has been lazing on my fucking bed all fucking day and night, and in my feeble and sick condition it will be hard to pry all 50 tons of fatass cat off my bed. And once I manage that, the fucker will wake me up in an hour an a half anyway to get me to feed him. LIKE YOU NEED FOOD YOU FAT FUCKER. So I gotta fucking stay up until that time just so he doesnt fucking bother me when I'm trying to get the sleep WHICH I NEED RIGHT NOW OR ILL PROBABLY DIE. IF YOU SEE MY NAME IN THE OBITUARIES IT'S CAUSE OF THIS FUCKING CAT. Also I'm not wearing a fucking shirt because I took it off to blow my nose on something and now I'm all fucking cold because my fucking window is open and I'll be fucking damned if I have to get up and close that shit. FUCK I FEEL LIKE SHIT.

FUCK YOU ASSHOLE

Fucking my lights are fucking yellow. California, dude... Our lights are fucking yellow because we care about the environment and shit. But fucking yellow lights don't make me feel any less like shit. Like, dude, seriously, imaging a fucking totally grody pile of shit just sitting there, and that is EXACTLY what I feel like. It's also what Multiwinia feels like because all it's just a fucking name change. I guess it's a better name change since it no longer blasphemes against god and that would probably offend some ppl. Only the name change rating scale I give it a 3.8/5. On everything else I give it fucking BULLSHIT because these fuckers just made me pay 20 bucks for a fucking name change!!! Or they would have, had I not taken advantage of the deal avalable on steam which gave me the first shitwinia for free. BUT FREE IS TOO FUCKING MUCH FOR THIS BULLSHIT. THEY SHOULD BE PAYING ME TO BETA TEST THEIR CRAP BOARD GAME THAT DONT EVN HAVE GRAFIX. OGAHDOJFG THINKING ABOUT IT MAKES ME FEEL EVEN MORE LIKE SHIT.

Seriously I think I fucking caught ebola or some shit. Probably was fucking in one of the kegs. I hope my bros are allright but oh god I feel like shit. Mother fucking headache and fucking fuck me. Fucking, SNOT OUT MY ANUS. UGH. That can describe the noise I feel like making. Just, Ugh! Ugh! I feel like shit! Ugh! I'm gonna fuckign die If I dont get a doctor! Ugh! Multiwinia is bullshit! God Fucking damn. Don't buy this bullshit, spend your money on some fucking medicine or some shit and give it to me. FUCK.

Fuck bros, I'm gonna have to cut this short 'cause I'll probably pass out from feeling like total shit if I don't stop.
I rate this game:

King of Picture Pass

2008-10-02T15:35:00.001-07:00

I don't see no dragons.

The name of the game is King of Dragon pass folks, and they waste no time in beginning their perpetual barrage of bullshit. It opens up with this title screen, which is actually a cleverly disguised Where's Waldo? minigame in which you must find the hidden dragons. You're free to skip it of course, but failure to find them results in you thinking that the title of the game is just false advertising. You do not, however, receive any material advantage when you start your game.

Here at Ouugh Reviews, we review video games, and get straight to the facts that more commercial sites skirt around. This presents me with a bit of a problem, as this "video game" does not contain a whole lot of "video." When you're not playing the horrible Sim City rip aspect, King of Dragon Pass is mostly a series of pictures showing various situations in which you choose a response to whatever dilemma you happen to be facing at the moment. And so, though it barely needs pointing out, the graphics are absolutely terrible. There is no rendering of any kind, meaning that there is very literally no animation here. All the greatest classics in gaming are 3D, and this game can't even manage 2; I'd say it's about 1.5D tops. Let's not even discuss immersion in 1.5D. It's almost as if, at some point in his career, Dr. Seuss decided to take a book writing hiatus and instead create a shitty vid-, ahem, computer game. Anyway, it's pretty clear who the devs intended to market this to: our mortal enemies, the casuals.

The Cat in the Hat does not approve. He was hoping for a sequel, but no.

Anyway, I suppose I should get to the actual gameplay of this trainwreck. Above you see me create the clan NERDBOPPER. When we're not busy bopping nerds, we're taking their cattle. At least, that was the plan. Regrettably, the main focus here is not upon combat, but upon city management. There is an incredible abundance of casual things to do, including but not exclusive to trading, sacrificing to gods, sending envoys, putting on little plays about gods, and exploring. It is, essentially, Sim City with pagan influences, and no animated disasters, which were the best part of the game. It seems so far that this is adding up to be yet another instance of devs ripping off a classic game, yet failing to implement the features that made it classic. You might say King of Dragon Pass is Casual City. Below, you see the more appallingly boring feature yet, the allocation how much land to use for what crop.

Don't get your hopes up. The slaughter button only refers to animals.

Halp took the liberty of summing up his whiny tl;dr post into a few choice words.

This nonsense crops up incessantly as you try to play. Events, some randomly generated, others incited by the state of things, constantly detract the experience. It ranges from some angry bearded guy saying NO U to a hideously disfigured nerd commissioning your help in finding him a wife. In this particular case, the only logical solution would've been to force this baby to remove his beard as he is clearly not manly enough to own one, but the devs seem to have smaller testicles than I do and omitted it from the possible options. In fact, there are no overtly hostile, or even passive aggressive choices; they merely start gay and become gayer. At best, you can give them slaves to make them shut the hell up. At worst, you can write a poem expressing your true feelings. What, did one of the devs have alot of pent up emotions and decide to take a few pages from his fucking diary and put them into the game?

The most tragic aspect of this feature is that it had potential to be excellent. It could have taken this game from a thinly veiled Sim City rip into something entirely more awesome by focusing more on "Deal with it, nerd" style gameplay. The idea is, naturally, to constantly force players to DEAL /W IT through these little scenarios or be destroyed, or at least offer some hilarious comedic relief in the form of telling your subjects to fuck off. King of Casual Pass fails at this unfortunately, offering only limp-wristed decisions that do not effectively express what a reasonably manly, non-casual player would want to do. What we end up with is a computer game ripoff of old Choose Your Own Adventure books.

Oh look, Khergits. This game is a Mount and Blade ripoff as well.

And finally, we move on to the meat and potatoes of the true hXc game: combat. As you can already imagine, the combat in a game with no graphics engine is not going to be overly immersive or intense. At least you'd think they'd allow you a great deal of tactical control over the battle. You'd be wrong of course, because the reality of the situation is more pathetic than a love child of Tom Green and Amy Winehouse. King of Casual Pass has only very slightly more combat than it has video.

Pre-battle, you just set your objectives.

You may or may not get an event triggered for one of your heroes. You tell him to either be a pansy or be a man. This is the extent over your interaction with the battle.

And congratulations, you've either won or lost combat.

Insane as it may sound, King of Dragon Piss is an insult to casuals. The devs of this game decided that casuals have become so casual that they no longer want graphics or combat in their games. They propose that casuals only want to look at a picture, click a few variables, and sit back and watch the aesthetically displeasing fireworks. The result is a gaming experience so bullshit and childish in proportions that it is, unbelievable though it may be, substandard even for the casual gamer.

Ripoff count: Where's Waldo?, Cat in the Hat, Adventure Novels, Sim City, Mount & Blade, and Halo 3

I rate this game:

SPOAR, MORE LIKE HALO 3 RIPOFF

2008-09-24T02:15:00.000-07:00

Halo 3 - Halo 1 = Halo 2: BULLSHIT Edition

2008-09-23T14:35:00.000-07:00

I dunno this looks an awful lot like halo 3

Halo 2: Bullshit Edition is the final nail in the coffin for the PC. No seriously, stick a fork in it, it's been done since Halo (blessed be its name) was released, and now Microsoft has made it clear to the PC casuals that Microsoft will no longer tolerate non-console garbage.

This review will not feature any screenshots, because I COULDN'T EVEN INSTALL THE FUCKIN GAME. I totally bought this game at my favorite game store that I always buy games at. Trust me I bought it don't question it. I stick that shit in my DVD receptor and giggle like a huge faggot in total joy as the autorun begins installing the Halo Double to my computer. OH SORRY I WAS DAYDREAMING AGAIN. What REALLY happened was when the installer booted up it said to me "Your computer is WRONG, and you are WRONG. Also your princess is in another castle. Nerd." Then it sucker punched me in the gut and I was left crying over my inability to install the predecessor to the greatest game ever made. It's like wtf? The PC release of Halo 2 is just a big fucking Microsoft joketrap. And it called me a fuckin NERD. Nobody calls me a nerd.

After the effects of the ponch wore off I tried to figure out why I couldn't install. It turns out that it only lets you install if you're one of the many gullible PC casuals that were suckered into buying Windows: Children's Edition. For the rest of us who still have XP, the Halo Double for PC is strictly offlimits, which don't make no goddamn sense. The only people with Children's Edition are fuckin casuals, and it's well-known that casuals can't handle Halo to begin with, so what the fuck was the point? I'll tell you the point. Microsoft is trying to kill off PC gaming so that casuals will have to finally face reality and go to where the hXC is at: consoles.

Unfortunately that didn't occur to me at the time, and I was determined to get revenge for getting ponched and insulted by a video game installer. I looked for a crack of some kind that would allow me to install the Halo on my PC in defiance of the bullshit XP ban. I found a file called "Halo 2 xp crack.rar" on the usenets (which is totally not where I got Halo 2 from) and I figured hey usenet is pretty reliable, let's get that one. Trusting in the infallibility of the usenets I extracted it and did not seek to question the extremely odd icon, which was like a bunch of industrial smokestacks breathing fumes into our mother nature. I was like what the fuck corporations are releasing cracks now? That's pretty fuckin lame but whatever I just gotta roll with it to get back at Microsoft. So I ran it, and nothing happened for a little bit. Then the file disappeared. Then I said OSHI-! and scrambled for the nearest anti-virus turret.

Wow, a Halo 2 crack clearly released by a corporation that turned out to be a virus. I wonder who released THAT one. Assholes at Macroshit made me play Antivirus, the worst game, for like two fucking hours to get rid of their fake crack. Shit was fuckin terrible, Antivirus is probably worse than Peggle, and that is saying so much you don't even know. The gameplay consists of hitting scan and then not doing anything because it takes up all your fockin resources. So it's sort of like Peggle except I guess a little more complicated. Anyway, this crappy free antivirus slew the Microsoft infection. Nice try, maybe next time hire better

VIRUS DEVELOPERS

Twice thwarted by the machinations of Bill "Bullshit" Gates, I just gave up, because now was when I realized that this is all for the greater good. The completely botched release of Halo 2 for the PC will probably be repeated with Halo 3, and when the best game ever is completely unplayable for the hardcore PC gaming crowd, they will be forced to play it where the men play their video games. For all of you who are already in the know as to what the future of gaming is, just stick to playing Halo where it belongs: the DreamStation 3.

I rate this game:

Geneforge 4: I Wish I Was Star Wars

2008-09-19T13:19:00.000-07:00

Check it nerds, this game is Geneforge: 4 Rebellion, and if you haven't noticed yet by its name and logo, this game is total BULLSHIT. It's about some jerks that rebel against some totally hardcore dudes because the hardcore dudes can create lifeforms using some sort of voodoo magic bullshit and the pussy jerks can't. Talk about a shallow reason to start a war that's ripping apart the face of the Earth. Who writes this crap? Okay, I have a solution for you whiney girls: either join the hardcore dudes and learn to make shit so your jealously doesn't turn you into homicidal freaks, or just buy a really fuckin SWEET MAGIC CAR to compensate for your abnormally small dick and ego combination. Pow, I totally just averted global devastation with my super powers of don't be an asshole. It's too bad you can't propose LOGICAL solutions like this in the game.

So these guys form a rebellion. Hey, where've I seen that before? OH YEAH, STAR WARS. Whoever wrote this turd of a game let me tell you something. The Star Wars trilogy is fucking OCEAN DEEP (almost as deep as Halo trilogy) whereas the Geneforge quadralogy or whatever is more like my cat's water bowl. Why do you even try? Make something original next time, and have the decency to confine it to a trilogy. When fags try to go beyond triple, shit goes nuts. Just look at those retarded Star Wars prequels, or Indiana Jones: Journey to Beyond Triple or whatever it was called I can't even remember. And those are only half the trainwreck that Geneforge 4 is.

This game is an RPG. You go to some place and they dunk you in some magic juice or some stupid bullshit and next thing you know you can create monsters. Hm. Create monsters. Where have I heard THAT before? Oh yeah, SPORE! You PLAY the ROLE of some fuckin FAGGOT that goes around RIPPING OFF SPORE! Yeah I said it. Geneforge rips off the hardcore game of the decade next to Halo 3. On top of that it does so very poorly. All you can do is make predefined types of monsters, then edit their statistics slightly. Wow, that's really impressive. You fucking retard indies can't even rip off a game properly. Let me demonstrate.

True hXc

VS

CASUAL BULLSHIT

Congratulations, you couldn't take a single cool feature from the Spore creature editor and put it into your bullshit Geneforker. Do you know what this means? With no way to change the appearance of your creatures, it is impossible to create a dickbeast in Geneforge! That was the nail in the coffin for the editor right there. I challenge any of you assholes are Spiderloser games to give me a single reason why I'd ever want to create a monster that didn't have at least one visible bodypart shaped like a penis. I'm fairly certain that's the entire point of Spore (the game you guys are ripping off remember?) and you totally failed to implement it, if even by having a pre-made creature shaped like a phallus.

More dicks than Geneforge can handle

Some art of a dickless zombie. Even if his groin wasn't totally rotted off, he wouldn't be a dickmonster so much as he would be a monster with a dick. This is as close as we get folks.

Wow that's really intense and original

Let's talk about that jerk in the above pic. That is one of the highest tier creations, called a drakon. Now that is creative. I can only imagine the dev's thought process. "I need a monster oshi- ok I'll just take a DRAGON, then take out the G, add a K, make it look like it needs to take a shit at all times, and POW! No one will ever notice." Guess what numbnuts I fuckin noticed. I am smarter than the average bear and I know things and I am bringing the truth of your shit game to the LIGHT. For instance, maybe you would've made your game a much better Spore ripoff if you didn't spend so much fucking time on the graphics. Let me show you something.

Genefork, original recipe

Geneforge 4: BLOOM EDITION

Look at all that bloom in the second screenshot. This is obviously why these Spiderjerks couldn't make a decent game. They were too busy updating their graphics engine to support the newest in lighting technology. And you know the saddest part? Look in both screenshots. Despite immense graphical upgrades, they use the same model for your main character in Geneforge one for some super important NPC in Geneforge 4. What, did you think I wouldn't notice that either? Do you take me for a fucking casual? Fuck you. You know why this game isn't popular? Because it's a game for casual punks and has no appeal outside of its graphics engine, yet the average casual doesn't own a PC capable of running something so resource intensive. It's a stupid business practice, and I hope these guys will go bankrupt soon. Spore is much easier on the hardware. I bet I could get it running on a 386 if I really had to. You think they'd learn after Spore's example if they were going to rip it off but it seems like they just discard every good feature the game had.

Anyway getting past all this unrealistic unSpore bullshit I tried to actually play the game in order to review it. Notice what I did there? I said I tried, because man I tried but I fucking FAILED. At first I had to talk to some nerds and shit and this one bitch was like hey get some stuff and I was like bitch you don't tell me what to do. Least that's what I would've said if this CASUAL GAME WOULD'VE LET ME but I guess it's not big on actually having choices. So I went and got some stuff. Among this stuff was some sort of gun that shoots like thorns or nails or something. So what, we're ripping off Quake too now? Where does it end? A more ORIGINAL idea would've been a gun that shoots DICKS. Anyway, we walked around a bit until combat started. I could feel my video adrenaline pumping as some fuckin dickless monster rushed at us, but then my game paused. I was pretty confused for a second, because I clearly didn't hit a pause button. Then it hit me. This game is turn based like that other game BATTLE CHESS. LOL! These JERKS tried to make SPORE turnbased! Hey here's a hint Spiderfaggots, this game is supposed to be a Spore ripoff, not a Chess ripoff. I mean fuck games may be for nerds sometimes for turn based games are for DOUBLE NERDS. As soon as I realized the game was nerd-based I fucking quit and deleted it.

"Varied and intensely immersive gaming experience." That quote is from a review of this game from some bullshit called MacWorld. Yeah I'd expect a casual Mac owner to rate Casualforge like that, but let me just point out the obvious and say that this game is not immersive. Immersion is for hXc games only and Genefork just can't handle it. Geneforge has awesome graphics, but like The Witcher the models repeat themselves nonstop, breaking immersion at every turn. And the real dealbreaker here is nerd-based combat. I don't suppose you casuals would've noticed this, but IRL is not nerd-based. When you're driving to work (if you fuckin faggots even have jobs) do you notice a HUD anywhere saying how many action points you have? That shit is not realistic.

At the end of the day Geneforge 4 is just dumbed down Spore. It rips off a plethora of superior games but fails to actually take any of their strong points, and instead simplifies everything about them, creating a thoroughly unimmersive soul numbing experience. DO NOT BUY. In fact, to get my brain cells working again I'm gonna go play SPORE and HALO 3 right now - AT THE SAME TIME!

I rate this game:

Less mounts, more boats loser

2008-09-17T13:10:00.000-07:00

That's some impressive art.

Many moons ago, I was alerted to the existence of renowned Viking simulator, Mount and Blade. The game has been in a constant state of development, but has been available for purchase in its incomplete form for years now. The game has seen, for the most part, nothing but vast and much needed improvements over its development cycle; indeed, when I originally started playing the earlier betas, this Viking simulator didn't even have Vikings implemented. This is but one of many glaring oversights that show the devs' back asswards priorities, but the game is now nearing completion, and so in good faith I have undertaken the task of giving this game one more chance to prove itself.

You start character creation by making a portrait for your dude, then answering a series of questions about your shitty life, then allocating a few spare skill points, weapon points, and attribute points. The result is this:

This is my dude, Guram Ironballs. You may call him Jarl or Lord Ironballs. He is planning on chopping dudes with a huge axe, and when he's not busy chopping with an axe, he's going to be throwing an axe. No horses for this guy, which brings me to the first and most obvious irritating aspect of the game: its title. Mount and Blade? This is an obvious implication that horses are a main feature of the game, which doesn't make a lick of sense in a game primarily about Vikings, who have no use for horses other than food. In previous versions, this didn't bother me very much because you were able to slaughter your mount in the name of good eatin.' In this newest version, I've yet to find this feature. I surmise this was intentionally removed to dumb down the game and and garner a bigger following amongst casual gaming horse enthusiasts, and those particular individuals that believe killing horses is wrong. (hint: it rhymes with FAGGOT)

Toto, I've a feeling this isn't fucking Norway!

After fighting in the arena for a little bit to pick up a few spare bucks, I decided to head to the nearest Viking Recruitment Center. Inspecting the world map is I made my merry away, it became crystal clear to me that the devs know nothing of geography. Scandinavia does not look like itself at all, having water on only one side. In fact, Europe in general looks like it was mapped out by a crack addict with A.D.D. Upon arriving at the VRC, I discover even more shocking news: Vikings are called Nords, which is a shamefully flagrant ripoff of The Elder Scrolls. As much as I'd hate to tell the devs this situation leaves me no choice but to alert them as to the point of their own game. The Elder Scrolls is fantasy. Mount and Blade is a simulator. Inconsistencies such as this only serve to break immersion, one of the tell-tale signs of a truly hardcore game. To rub hugely granulated salt on my gaping wound, the game goes on to inform me that Europe is called Calradia. Dismayed, I tried to get past the lack of realism and proceeded to recruit my Viking posse.

IM-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-MERSION BREAKER!

I just thought I'd once again showcase the art director's penchant for the elaborate.

To begin, I fought a few bandit groups to get my useless wimps some experience. Eventually, they will turn into hardened housecarls ready to fight and die for their jarl. But fuck all that for now, we have funnier things to do Namely, bring to your attention one of this games truly redeeming qualities: the village raid. Taking your party to a village, you are able to burn it and loot it, plunging it into poverty for a good long time. In doing so you acquire considerable wealth by stealing all of the peasants' food and trade goods. If you're really lucky, the peasants will decide they're not going to take it and fight back, providing you with some easy experience, a few laughs, and a few screenshots.

Brodin, hear our call!

My crew gloats over a field of peasant corpses.

This battleaxe was the last thing they saw.

I'm not going to lie. The looting of villages and slaying of peasants is nothing short of glorious. The experience leaves you feeling exultant in your video victory, often times leaving you with a raging hard on that just won't quit. The celebration wouldn't last naturally, because one such raging hard on brought an interesting point to my attention.

Nerdar is picking up a loser in this vicinity.

This is a small group of villagers with a few of their womenfolk taking their goods to a city to be put on the market. You can kill them and take their goods, making them an attractive target if you're just starting out. There's just one problem here: there is no rape button. Historically, Vikings were renowned for their ability to rape anything, anywhere, and at any time. A notable example would be Harald Sigurdsson's saga in Snorri Snulfsson's Heimskringla, which details Harald immediately tripping over a rock upon setting foot on England. This prompted him to immediately rape the rock in front of everyone present, so they wouldn't spread the news to the rest of the army as an ill omen, but instead as glorious tale detailing the difficulties of rock rape. That this was excluded from Mount and Blade was severely demoralizing, and if I had to guess, was probably yet another concession to please the casual crowd.

Harald could rape a rock, but I can't even fuck a corpse with an axe sticking in its face, much less a live peasant wench.

Still no rape button.

On my travels I noticed a wench in a tavern. I decided to go over to her, to see whether or not she had a rape button implemented yet, or would at least serve me some mead, but it turns out she wants to join me of all things. In the pic above, she details here skills, which do not include cooking. This made me extremely apprehensive about the potential consequences of this little paradox, but she did note that she had some skill with management, which I assumed meant she would clean up the camp while we were all sleeping it off. Turns out I wasn't wrong in recruiting her. Taking a look at her skills, I saw she had ample skill in surgery, which would allow her to potentially save the lives of otherwise mortally wounded warriors. A woman tagging along with my party and stitching us up seemed like a bearable thought, so I allowed her to stay. I would soon regret the mistake.

OUUUUUUUUUGH a woman talking back. What to do with her, I wonder?

After our first village raid with Ymira, our nurse, she expresses shock that we would kill peasants. I cannot help but to point this out as yet another instance of casual bullshit getting in the way of a more realistic game. The casual would naturally want a caring, sympathetic mother figure in Ymira, but the reality is no one, even a wench, raised by Vikings would be so weak and naive.

Bitch you are so lucky the devs don't know shit about history.

The above pic contains water.

Having amassed considerable fortunes through constant raiding, I became slightly bored with contintental Europe and decided to seek my fortunes in England or Ireland. That's when it hit me. I've yet to see a longboat in this game, or any other kind of boat for that matter. I urgently rushed to a Nord city near the ocean, and was completey incapable of finding a shipbuilding featuer. Words cannot describe how devastated I was. Longboats are essentially what made Vikings what they were: mobile sea raiders. Paramount importance was placed on longboats in Scandinavian society, and many legendary ships are recorded in the sagas, such as Harald Bluetooth's Raplskaldr, which roughly translates to Rapemobile. To have a simulator without them is farcical at best, and utterly blasphemous at worst. To make the sting that much worse, you can actually see the waves in the water, begging to be dragonsurfed. Unable to create a Rapemobile of my own, I decided to see if I could team up with any other raiding parties in order to achieve greater conquests.

Castles? Castles are for WIMPS.

What I found was disturbing, as usual. The so-called "Nords" are united by a single king, and the only way to join up with any other dudes at all is to swear allegiance to him. I did so reluctantly, and was called to fight a few battles for him, not the least of which took place at a castle. Fighting from inside the castle, suddenly everything made sense. The Vikings are united, they've established castles, and many of the lords use horses. This so-called Viking simulator takes place after Scandinavia was prodigiously rocked by the forces of Jesus Herbe Christ! As you may or may not know, Christians were, essentially, the Casuals of the Middle Ages. They spread their message of the single God far and wide because one god is all a casual can handle. They dumbed down complex religion everywhere, until only a few survived. Regrettably, Norse Paganism was not among those few, and as a result the entirety of Viking culture declined to something akin to Mount and Blade.

I've been living a lie, playing as a Christviking this entire time. The lack of response from Brodin, the inability to rape, the horses, and finally the lack of extreme dragonboating added up to paint a terrible picture, and one that I turn my back upon lest I be infected by the ever-encroaching casualness that threatens our gaming culture just as seriously as Christianity threatened Scandinavia. Mount and Blade imparts a valuable lesson: even independent developers are not to be trusted in this day and age. What's the matter devs? Afraid a little historical accuracy in regards to Vikings might actually add a little depth to your shitty casual game? That would be pretty horrible I suppose. You'd have to change the name of the game to Boat and Blade, and that'd just be too much work for your lazy asses.

I can not, in good conscience, recommend this game to anyone but a casual that knows nothing of history. I can only assume that this does not include you, our esteemed reader, and so I advise everyone to boycott Mount and Blade until such a time as some noble soul fixes the egregious errors by releasing BoatMod, or RapeMod.

I rate this game:

There's Something About Peggle

2008-09-14T16:24:00.000-07:00

Never before have I witnessed such a dire portent to signal the beginning of a gaming bout.

The name of the game is Peggle, and to my shame I must admit that it didn't immediately alert me as to the true nature of this abomination. On the surface, it appears to be a family oriented game, featuring an abundance of merry imagery, mostly revolving around nature. But the excess of personification, mainly in animals, would later reveal a much darker, sinister side to this video Trojan Horse.

The gameplay consists of firing a ball downward unto a mass of balls, bricks, and another assorted shapes, all the while being assisted by talking animals who mainly give you useful (or not) tips, and stand around looking extremely weird. Initially, I had hopes that it'd provide a reasonable challenge; after all, it is extremely small and and has to compensate for its lack of realistic graphics and plot of any kind. This hope was quickly dashed by various instances of motherfucking BULLSHIT.

Jesus motherfucking Cthulhu, if this is Popcorn's X-TREME I'd hate to see their CASUAL.

Peggle is sort of like pinball, minus the important parts, such as fun. You determine in what direction your pinball is let loose, but that is very literally the entirety of your interaction with the game. You get to watch your ball bounce around and hit things, while being occasionally encouraged by a bunch of fucking animals doing their best to fit in with the cool crowd. Exclamations such as "Freak out!" and "Radical!" as delivered by a hamster are the order of the day in Peggle. I don't know whether the casual gamer has simply become so casual that this is acceptable, or Popcorn has cojones the size of the Bismarck, because this immensely popular pile of animal pellets is essentially DUMBED DOWN PINBALL. Who in their right mind would dumb down such a classic gaming experience which, though X-TREMELY hardcore, is equally basic? It just doesn't get more fuckin casual than that.

As you can see, the graphics are totally unrealistic. Note the spooky, over-the-top googly eyes of the gomster. They didn't break my immersion though, because this game is so bad I NEVER HAD ANY.

To journey even further down the self-destructive path of casualness, this game rewards you for pathetically stupid things. Now, a certain degree of that is to be expected in a game of this sort, but I was caught completely unprepared for the level Peggle would take it to. The only way you can lose is to run out of balls to shoot, but the it gives away extra balls at the slighest provocation. If you get enough points on a shot, you get a free ball. On one particular occasion, I got my ball caught almost motionless on a spinning circle of balls, causing me to clear nearly half the map in a single shot and net me several free balls, and it was done entirely by accident. Moving on, if your ball lands in that bucket on the bottom, you get a free ball. If you compliment the fuckin hamstergopher thing on his hat I'd bet you'd get an extra ball. But my absolute favorite, last but not least, is that if you completely miss with your shot, you get the ball back for FREE. The most ultimate failure you can possibly imagine in this shockingly easy game nets you a FREE BALL. This unhealthy obsession with balls was one of the clues that eventually led me to discover Peggle's true purpose.

On that note, let's take a look at our new animal friends.

Wow, thanks for the tip asshole.

WE DON'T NEED NO MORE FUCKIN BALLS LOSER . I wish Boo were here.
Another pro-tip brought to you by: some fucking cat. Goddamn it Garfield would beat you at yarn and Peggle at the same time while pushing Odie off a table.

Now I don't know about you, but I was getting some disquieting vibes from the game as I played, and you may have noticed reading this review that the animals look quite jubilant. The happiness flows ad nauseum, and in my opinion was some cause for concern, especially considering this is clearly intended to be a children's game. I decided to do a little investigating by doing a backround check into a few of the Peggle mentors.

Creepy though he may be, I could find no damning evidence or records to condemn the Egyptcat. Unconvinced of their innocence however, I continued my search.

At a glance, the gomster appeared to be clean. But after reading his dialogue and looking a little closer I discovered the horrifying - nay, Lovecraftian truth...

HOLY FUCKING SHIT

Suddenly all the pieces click into place, and I see clearly for the first time the intent behind Peggle. The googly eyes, the glorification of personified animals, and the anti-human overtones all add up to create a world domination plot perpetrated by none other than the FURRIES. You heard it first here. The game is clearly designed to make your children grow increasingly sexually aroused by animals until such a time as they grow up WANTING TO BE animals, at which point, some years from now, they will swell the ranks of the conquering furry army.

Please, for the sake of your children, for the sake of the future, and for the sake of our very way of life, avoid Peggle like it's Hellgate: London. If we don't stop them now by boycotting this trap, there'll be no stopping an entire generation of indoctrinated youths dressing up as foxes and fucking each other, and us if we're not careful.

I rate this game:

In Soviet Russia nerds don't know how to print CD keys

2008-09-14T02:34:00.000-07:00

Allright, here's my review of the vidcon "S.T.A.L.K.E.R. Clear Sky". This game was actually delayed in the only country that matters(Take a guess, here's a hint terrorist scum: it's AMERICA). The reason for this delay was probably 'cause this game was made by Russians or something and Russia is totally like a communist nation since it's run by Joseph Stalin. Since they're communists and all they had trouble sending it over to THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA LAND OF THE FREE because in Russia everybody just has like one copy that they all share and so when they realized thats not how FREEDOM WORKS it was too late because they didn't put in any CD keys. Which is BULLSHIT because if they're so communist, why didn't they just share it with us anyway? HUH??? Fuck bro, maybe the fucking corporations tasing this great nation fucking FORCED THEM TO DO IT. Fucking corporations man, fucking corps. Anyway, this delay is the reason I haven't played the game, BUT THAT WONT STOP THE GREATEST REVIEWER IN THE WORLD FROM DOING HIS JOB.

So from the title "Clear Sky" I'm guessing this a bird watching game set in the U.S.S.R. after they lost the Cold War and we nuked them or some shit. Yea, you like S.T.A.L.K. birds and shit. I guess thats allright, doesn't sound that fun but still could be a chill game for when you just wanna chill but you're too heeeeeeeiiiiiiiigh to get up. But I totally just googled the game and the images that come up show that youre like a guy with a gun, like in Halo 3. So far, off to a bad start. Ripping off Halo 3, as great of a game it is, is totally not cash. I guess they tried to change it up with the bird watching thing, not that interesting IMFO. Shit, maybe it's a bird hunting game. Yea, the title totally makes sense now. You're just one man on a mission to fucking CLEAR the SKY of fuckin birds because they like pissed you off by like eating your communist corn on a farm and then fucking your woman or some shit. Man if I was on a farm and some fucking bird came up and did that to me, dude I'd be fuckin' pissed and you better believe it.

The fuck you shootin' at, IDIOT? I don't see any fucking birds.

So plotwise, from what I'ved deduced from the screenshots so far, it's a pretty lame plot. I mean, if a bird ate your corn and stole your hunny that'd be a totally dick move, but bro come one, when the fuck does that ever happen? Shit. I don't even live on a farm, or even in Russia or Soviet Ukraine or whatever facist country this takes place in. Minus points, as I can definately not relate to the story in anyway. Shit, all these nerds had to fuckin' do was fuckin' put in some Davey M. or some Jacky J. Shit, man I LOVE Jack Johnson. He is def up there with Dave Matthews, totes. Fuck man, they could've EASILY improved this part by throwing in a Spartan from Halo 3 somewhere. I mean if you're gonna be a Halo 3 rip, even if you some weak ass birdwatching/hunting mechanic, you might as well just put in a Spartan, bro. Spartans such a badass name, I thought it was pretty cool that those guys in 300 took their name from Halo.

But no, no Spartans. Instead you're some creepy guy who fucking stalks birds. Is this really what fucking nerds like? That's fucked. Moving on, graphics, well bro they're alright. They're definately not up to par to Halo 3s graphics. Halo 3 has much better environments too. I mean, holy shit have you played it? YOU LOOK UP AND YOU CAN SEE THE REST OF THE HALO WORLD!!! If the screenshots are any indication, there's nothing in this game but a bunch of bushes and junk and shit. Definately need to work on the atmosphere. On top of that none of the guns in these screenshots look cool!!! Srsly, haven't these communist fascist dweebs heard of the fucking assault rifle? Man I just look at this game and it just makes me go W/E.

I don't think it has multiplayer because it's not on the Xbox and you need to have a subscription to Xbox live if you want to play multiplayer games, so pretty good chance it's just a single player game. Which is pretty lame because what the fuck you gonna do when your bros come over to party? "Hey Chad watch me play this game, it's about watching and shooting birds" Fuck that. Then again, I'm not so sure how fun multiplayer birdwatching would be. "DUDE CHACHI DID YOU SEE THAT FLOCK OF BIRDS FLY BY? HOLY SHIT THAT WAS SO SICK!!!" Haha yea right. I guess I should thank the communists for not having multiplayer so I don't have to bear even more screenshots of this shitty freedom-hating game. Seriously, it takes place in fucking RUSSIA, so you know its gonna lead you on some path that you probably have to follow EXACTLY, which is really lame. Seriously put in some free roaming(again, like in Halo 3) so I don't bore myself to sleep walkin in a straight line looking for the obvious places where the birds are going to be. Next time, make a game in AMERICA. Games without choice are called fucking MOVIES(Or Jrpgs, LOL).

All in all bro, judging from these screens generously provided by google, I'm not digging this game. You prbly shuldn't buy this crap cause then you'll not only be stuck with a bad game about fucking BIRD WATCHING but you'll also be supporting the communists or some shit. Are you a fucking communist? IF YOU ARE ILL BOP YOU. Don't buy this crap and godbless America. I know I'll take my own advice on this one.

I rate this game:

tits or gtfo - or N.onexistentwoman O.uuughasm'd L.ike2 F.uck

2008-09-13T22:09:00.001-07:00

i'd her weird plastic looking outfit

i dunno wtf is up with the text in that pic someone mustve photoshopped it or something anyway this game is called Microsoft Snowmobile Simulator 2000 and let me tell you i could fuckin tell it was total bullshit the second i started playin it. ok first off your dude? he isnt a dude hes a fuckin CHICK. this creates continuity errors that i will tel u later but for now let me tell you that this game claims to have MULTIPLAYER! LOL! do you know what that means? multiplayer means internet and that would means girls on internet and it is well-documented scientific fact that THERE ARE NO GIRLS ON THE MOTHERFUCKIN INTERNET OK so i didnt rly feel like being divided by 0 by the paradox clicking on multiplayer would surely create so i left it the fuck alone

my next sign that this game was fuckin bullshit was when i started playin all this crazy shit started happenin some guys were dyin and then i got called to talk to this dudes who were speaking /w like australian accents or some shit and it was all flower power and shi it was like it was already MAKING FUN OF AUSTIN POWERS which is already making fun of JAMES GOLDBOND so it was like a TRIPLE MAKE FUN OF. shit dont make no goddamn sense because this chick is clearly not a huge slut but shes supposed to be AUSTIN POWERS? wtf is that thats like the second paradox so far. to make things worse THEY WERENT EVEN TALKIN BOUT SNOWMOBILING. IN FACT THERE WAS NO SNOW IN SIGHT. they were tellin me i had to loik fuckin go to some fuckin place and i was like whatever the dialogue is completely fuckin unrealistic anyway, i will show you what I mean

if you pick the wrong answer some dude ponches you in the faec I think
uc what I mean this loser has no idea how to talk to the womens

thats how it woulda happened irl imo these developers at microsoft were a bunch of nerds that let girls bully them around til they turned their awXum snowmobilin game into some crazy shi about girls and guns

my third early warning that this game was COMPLETE BULLSHIT was that after I got don talkin to them chodes i went and did some training shit i was pretty psyched at first coz I was like CHA!!!!! theyre gonna teach me to SURF THE SNOW but wait i go to the training place and brahg let me tell you there was no fuckin snow there wasnt even a SNOWMOBILE or even skis or anything I was like ZSDFGHDFHZDFH that was me right there. the first thing they make me do is go talk to some guy iw as like holy shit you think I NEED TO LEARN TO TALK TO PEOPLE? DO YOU TAKE ME FOR A NERD I HAEV SO MANY FRIENDS whatever so I got to talk to the guy and

NERD ALERT!!!!! this is just like high school ima go BOP HIM like I do irl to nerds

chahahahaha take that loser

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! GAME OVER?

OUUUUGH so full of rage I left the trainin bs and went straight to....

THE MOTHERFUCKIN DESERT? OMFG MICROSOFT U DONT NO SHIT U DONT NO SHIT LET ME TEL U SOMETHING U CANT FUCKING SURF THE FUCKING SAND THIS GAMES HOULDVE BEEN CALLED NO ONE SNOWMOBILES EVER grrr in a fury I looked around the desert for something to take my internet rage out on an and found..

GRRRRRRRRRRRR! BITCH DOES IT LOOK LIKE I NEED A MONKEY?

LOL WHO NEEDS A NEW MONKEY NOW LOSER

FUUUUUUUUUCK! this game doesnt let you do ANYTHINg must be for casuals

whatever man the fury slowly ebbed and i was left only with sand and the nagging feeling that i would never see my beloved snowmobile. its almost loik this game isnt about snowmobiles but its really about shootin guys and man i didnt want to believe that but it was to tes lookin that way. i went to some place in Germandy or something i think it was in the canada continent and it occurred to me that this ENTIRE GAME WAS WRONG ON AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT LEVEL THAN I HAD PREVIOUSLY REALIZED

you may have noticed in some of these pictures that my dude that isnt a dude is holding a GUN. well shi if this were IRL she'd be DUEL WIELDING SAMMICHES and handing them out to all those dudes she works with. as i mentioned b4 she does not act like a hueg dumb slut which would've been the ONLY ACCEPTABLE explanation for her lack of sandwich ability. the fact that the game didn't even let me create sandwiches or chicken alfredo completely ruined what immersion i had, and DESTROYED the plot's plausibility in my eyes, which was dumb to begin wtih because it didnt involve snowmobiling. things only got worse when i ended up seein this guy

FUCK HES LIKE A SCOTTISH VIKING WITH A CIGAR CHECK OUT THAT BEARD WHY ISNT THE GAME ABOUT HIM :(

WEARILY I TREKKED ON, spurred only by the faintest hope of unleashing this chick's inner valkyrie in a session of megamobilin. i had to endure many bullshits on the way there was loik some guy that thought he was hueg awesome but he was wrong and there was HUEG dumb shit and I was prty sick of it, but eventually those loser nerds at the office told m e to go to SIBERIA. upon arriving what did I see but...

X-TREME MOTORIZED SNOW SURFING - MY FAVORITE SPORT! Snow surfing is like SURFING only TOTALLY FUCKING VIKING! i was all NNNNNNNRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH ZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!! bro if you play this game get rdy for the MOST INTENSE SNOWMOBILING EXPERIENCE OF UR LIFE its like ur really s avin g maidens/riding a snowmobile man so awesome. I went and did a few JAMPS too

OH THE VALKYRIES FLY

and this gaem doesnt stop there brah it just keeps pushin the limit past the point of no return its reached the top but still its gotta lrn how2keep RUNNIN OVER NERDS WITH A SNOWMOBILE!

YEA THATS WHAT I THOUGHT LOSER LOL!!!!!

HIT AND RUN - GOOD THING THERE WERE NO VIKING INTERNET POLICE AROUND

I RIP THE SNOWMOBILE FROM THE HEJ COVERED IN BLOOD N BRAINS

zoomin around in a snowmobile was prty intense but after awhile i start comin down off of the snow high and reality set in. at the end of the day this gaem did not hav vry much viking snow death and it had way too much bitch who shouldve been makin sandwiches shootin ppl who are clearly better than her at stuff up to but not exclusive to shooting people and internet. i was prty sad though because snow is just so fockin awesome and viking and she sort of VIKINGED OUT on that loser in the last pic i didnt want to walk away thinking to myself LOL MICROSOFT SUX @ GAEMS GET A SCOTTISH GUY NEXT TIME. so I scoured the internet for a remedy and the internet did deliver unto me the solution to all my problems

SCHWIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING! REALISM!

the main character having now been unambiguously identified as a HUEG SLUT causes the whole game to make perfect sense FOR YOU SEE hueg sluts typically dont duel wield sammiches or do what you tell them to so it makes sense for her to single wield guns and go on viking snow murder spree. I mean shit maybe even multiplayer is possible now without destroying the univars. ok ne way that that all contuinity and immersion problems are solved Microsoft Snowmobile Simulator 2000 is a prty fuckni awXum snowmobile valkyrie simulator i recommend everyone get it yesterday

I rate this game a:

Games w/ no grafix are usually called BOARD GAMES

2008-09-12T22:08:00.000-07:00

Ok, right, so can ne1 tell me why video games are called video games? Because they are games with VIDEO GRAPHICS, MORON. Now when a game has no video graphics, it is called fucking chess or chutes and ladders or some shit, OK? And that is exactly wut this game, Darwinia, is. I shouldn't even be reviewing this BOOLSHI- because this is a site for reviewin' VIDEO GAMES and not BOARD GAMES. But Introversion, the losers who made this crap, seem to be fuckin' payin off everybody to pass this off as a video game. Probably to get a tax reduction or something, wtfever.

And these losers probably need that tax reduction, seeing as how they shipped out this game BEFORE IT WAS EVEN FINISHED. Wut, was a graphic-making-nerd too expensive for you? As you can see from the photograph above, the game actually has NO GRAPHIX. Only a bunch of placeholder bullshit. Most of the crap you see just as a symbol for what was supposed to go there. A few enemies in the game actually have models, but HOLY SHIT ARE THE MODELS TERRIBLE!!!! All the models for your guys and the bad guys in this game are extremely pixelated! Even from far away, the models are still extremely low quality. It might even be WORSE farther away, since all you can see of them from a distance are like 3 pixels. Srsly? Wtf is this bullshit, did you BUTTHEADs supercompress this 'cause you only have a typewriter to test the game on? Or maybe you tried transferring it from your Commodore 64(I don't know what this is but my brothers a nerd and said to use this analogy), but you only had a floppy disk available?

Maybe you shouldn't save your models as .JPGs

But I'm surprised Introversion even bothered to make a few models, as poor quality as they were, considering the focus of the game, the darwinians, don't even have a model. That's right; they're just a giant green 2D placeholder. How did that get by Q&A. Hey Skeeter don't bother making a model or anything for the thing the player will be seeing most often, Toddy-brahs got his beer bong over here. Yea right, nerd's don'ts know how to PARTY. These weenies probably just suck too much @ coding to know how to properly put in a model and probably got too depressed and killed themselves before they tried putting in the Darwinian's model. The game was then found 50 years latter in the attic of a distant relative and then sold it in a garage sale, where Gabe Newell mistook it for a donut and ate it. And then it appeared on the steam platform, even though it's a board game. The Darwinians aren't even animated. Just plain, boring, 2D stills that flap around. It looks really horrible, since 2D things have, get this, 1 less dimension than 3d things, which the rest of the world tries to be. But like I said, it's unfinished. The terrain is only like wireframe or some bullshit

Ok, so I tried to get past the lack of graphics and tried to play it. First thing it had me do was open the TASK MANAGER. WOW. HOW OLD IS THIS GAME? Shit is prty fuking old skool. So after I ran the program it told me to run from the task manager (I donlt remember installing that program either, I think this game installs malware on ur comp. AVOID AT ALL COSTS!) And then it had me commanding a squad of guys around the map (Like an RPG) only instead of them just shooting themselves it had me do the work so I guess this games really an FPS. A pretty bad FPS at that. Your view isn't behind your gun so it's nearly impossible to aim up or down. What kind of moron makes an FPS, but put's you in birds eye view??? Bullshit. On top of that the game doesn't even have auto-aim which any good FPS has(Halo tripple). Without it is RLY hard to hit things because omg they move so fast!!! You also get grenades and some other shit but they have you press BOTH MOUSE CLICKS TO USE? Uhhhh, what did you forget that a keyboard has like a million buttons you could use for a grenade key? Fukin dumasses lmao. The entire time it had some nerd tellin' me what to do. When this butthead told me to escort the placeholder people back to a fuckin tree I fuckin looked him straight in the eye and said, "NO FUCK THAT. I DONT TAKE ORDERS FROM NO ONE. ESPECIALLY NO NERD!" Then I punched him in the face, breaking my monitor in the process, and shouted "DEAL W/ IT NERD" After taking Chachi's monitor I deleted this shitty half-finished game from my computer. Here's a reccommendation: maybe next time, DONT FORGET THE GRAPHICS LOL.

I rate this game:

If I wanted to kick pplz asses I would do it IRL

2008-09-12T01:45:00.000-07:00

Ok, bro heres the deal: This is the video game "Suckah tried to play me 2" made by EA(but the intro had some bullshit about a "pandemic" wtf is up w/ that) for the PC. I got trustworthy sources that it also is on some casual bolshit nintendos or segas. W/E!!! Anyway so I open up this game right and first thing that pop into my mind is dude this shit is so cash. That's 'cause the menu is fucking programmed to look like money and shit. That's prbly the best part of the game right there bro.

So, get this, I cruise on over to the GFX settings to crank that shit up to ballin' levels, but GUESS WUT. THERE ARE NONE. Well I guess theres some but bro they probably weren't important enough for me to remember them. At this point the game was a total wipeout for me, even more so after I realize that there is only one widescreen resolution and it sux. Hello, Pandemic, are you gay??? Not that theres anything wrong with that bro, It's not my thing, but dude if thats how you roll I'll support you cause you're my bro and that's what bros do, stick up for eachother. NOT! Ur not my fuckin' bro ur a fucking dweeb who cant even code a widescreen resolution that's not as small as ur dick. Seriously, dude, do you think I'm a bitch? Do I look like a bitch-ass who enjoys getting fuckt by pansy little resolutions. SHIT, dude, the fucking shits not even fucking proportional and shit. Have you even looked @ a computer screen, nerd? I would assume so since ur all a bunch of nurds and thats the only life you have, LMAO! Well, let me clear this up for you weenies, fucking computer screens are not like 2 inches round, OK??? Actually, I take that shit about the computer being your only life back, maybe if you actually programmed this on a computer rather than a pile of sticks, you mightve been able to make it run at resolutions where you could actually see shit!

No seriously what the fuck asshole. You Pandemic dweebs are ruining EA's good name by shitting out your shit that only has shitty shit-small resolutions. I mean resolution. CAUSE THERES ONLY ONE! You expect me to play this bullshit at either small-as-fuck or at stretched-as-fuck-yet-still-small? Ya, well lets see you say that shit to my face I'll fuckin' kick your ass you piece of shit. I bet EA is gonna shut you losers down because they are smart enough to know that widescreen monitors fucking exist. Fuck sticky keys no I do not want to fucking have sticky keys activated sorry for fucking capitalizing you piece of shit who was the fucker who put this sticky keys bullshit in FUCK YOU. So like what's the big fuckin' deal? Do you losers really suck so much at programming that you cant even make widescreen resolutions? LMAO! I fukin did it myself after 5 seconds in nVDIA toolbar, and yet u've had YEARS to make this shit and you can only made 1 shitsmall widescreen res? Or perhaps it's cause 1680x1050 beat you up in highschool and stole your lunch money. I bet that's it. You're gonna have more than your lunch money to worry about now that you fuckt w/ me. U better wach urself BUTTHEAD.

So after I saw the lone shitty resolution option I exited the game and uninstalled it. This sequence was definitely one of the highlights of the game and was perhaps as good, if not better, than the cash(so cash) menu. I then hopped in my jeep, blasted some Dave Matthews(He's a fucking musical genius, why the fuck wasn't his music in this game? F- for not having Dave M) and went to shread up some killer waves. Awww dude, it was prime glass like you don't even know pop skeezies carve the water so prime.

And so at this point, my bro, Chachi, calls me up and says he's playin this shit game on his 2 inch monitor. I head on over and play a bit. I wasn't really paying attention to the first part because you know, fuck this game. So anyway I get into like Chile or something and I'm like the Techno Viking(Chachi told me you could also be a hunny or a chocolate man but hunnys are only good for suckin dick and vikings are 100% cooler than chocolate) and I'm fucking pissed at some guy for some reason. I don't know, the story made no sense, but you know what? FUCK stories. Who the fuck cares about that shit when you can BLOW SHIT UP. And bro I totally did and it was pretty clutch. Then I returned to my secret hideout where my honey was waitin' for me but the fuckin' game wouldn't even let me mack on her. So I got the fuck outta there and tried to steal a tank. BUT THE FUKIN GAME IS SO DUMB IT WOULDNT LET ME. It kept bringing up buttons I was suppose to press but somewhere the assholes who made this shit FORGOT TO INCLUDE A TRANSLATION. Seriously what the fuck do these space symbols mean, I don't see any key like that on my keyboard. Oh wait, the game was programmed by a bunch of nerds with a bundle of sticks. So after this I shut down the game and uninstalled it from Chachi's computer. Then I bopt Chachi one for makin' me play a game where you cant even steal a tank. I though this shit was about freedom or some bullshit? It doesn't take place in AMERICA LAND OF THE FREE for one, so it clearly lacks freedom. False advertising.

Actual game footage.

Later on in the evening, Chachi-chachs calls me up again, and says shit has multiplayer. I was all shit I love chillin with my bros so I said "Why the fuck not" just like that and installed it and slammed it open to the multiplayer tab. After waiting like, literally, TEN HOURS, for some message that told me I was connected to the EA servers, I got to the online menu. Where's the fucking server list? NONE? What is this boolshi-. So then I have to type in Chachis name, cause it doesn't have a list for your bros, which is understandable I guess since nerds have no friends and thats prbly who plays these gay games the most. And so I jam the join game button and then the game crashes. I then uninstalled the game and threw the disc in the recycle(think of mother earth).

I rate this game:

MANLY VIDEO GAME REVIEW

2008-09-12T00:19:00.000-07:00

HELLO SUPER LOSERS THIS WEBSIGHT IS UR ONLY SOURCE OF SKIPPING THE BULLSHIT AND GETIN STRATE 2 THE FACTS OF VIDEO GAMES DEAL W/ IT