You know you make me wanna

so I just got done curling 200 pounds np and drinkin an 80 (thats like a 40 *2 coz 40 just aint enuff for me) when my bro hrothgar got back from a raid on walmart (the best store for video games it carries all the classics from halo 1 to halo 3). he whipped out this badass lookin game for x-box called "war of the gears" or some shit which immediately made me think it was about some race car drivers that got super pissed at some other race car drivers so they built a huge fuckin robot to start a world shattering war which imo sound prty fuckin cool. Turns out the game isnt like that whatsoever. But check it, as much as I HATE false advertising which is totally what that was, I completely forgive wargears because its just THAT FUCKING GOOD!!

Ok so the only robot in the game is this little bitch robot that you order to do nerd shit like use computers. I know you're probably pissed because the game should obviously be about robots but dont worry coz its about being manly as FVCK! Everything from gameplay to atmosphere to plot is just fuckin covered in muscles. Speakin of plot your dude is pretty chill, I forgot his name but I bet its somethin fuckin awesome like Olaf Bloodsaw. The plot is like there's these dudes, and they're pretty fuckin bullshit, and you gotta kill them. Its abit of a Halo rip in this regard which in my opinion is a good thing, because it guarantees a certain level of depth and complexity lacking in a great deal of games today.

What the fuck im fucking stuck!!

But enough about that, let's talk about the gameplay which is 100% super hard and awesome. Ok basically, like, you have a guy and shit, and the whole world is like magnetized or covered in glue or some shit. yea sounds pretty weird right? it is. you gotta run around trying to shoot and beat the shit out of those dudes who are bullshit that I previously mentioned but as you try to do so the environment tries to stop you at every turn. Liek youll be runnin at some faggot and all of a sudden gravity or some shit will suck you right into a wall or a tree or something!! And then your dude stands there with his back to it and you're like wtf OUUUGH tha'ts fuckin BULLSHIT!! So in order to break free of the whatever it is that is pinning you, you gotta mash every single button on your controller super fuckin fast so that your dude can tear himself free from the bullshit and continue the bopping. imo its a pretty revolutionary feature that adds a whole new level of depth to the difficulty of this vidcon.

omfg theres so much blood you can't even tell what the fuck is happening

Yea anyway whatever Im bored of that shit, lets talk about what REALLY makes this game a 5/5 classic that will be remembered for at least like 2 years. Shit in this game is like shit on other games, cept with BALLS you know what I'm saying? Like for example, the dude you play is afflicted dgaf disease so badly that he can't even open doors. Yea, you have to KICK IN every single fuckin door in the game coz he just doesn't give enough fuck to turn the knob!! And in that pic above? I'm killin a guy with my gun. Coz my GUn has a fucking SAW on it! LOL. Goddamn son thinkin about it just makes me want to OUUGH like I was watching Conan the Barbarien for the first time again! If you ask me retard fucking devs that make stupid shit like Fallout 2 and dwarf fortress should wake up and realize what really makes a game GOOD (protip its putting chainsaws on guns). Even more experienced devs could learn from the example. Coz really, the only way fallout 3 could possibly get ANY better is if you put a chainsaw on the bottom of the fatboy!

this is your bro in arms, Deion Sanders

Fuuuuck check the muscles on that guy! He's your bro and bro fyi? That's pretty fuckin chill coz it's not like one of those games where you're the only guy that has enough muscles to stop the insect communists from taking over space america. in wars of the gear you have 3 bros who are almost as manly as you are and they run around and saw/punch shit too. theres alot of comradery going on and they all love each other and that's totally not gay coz bro they're bros trust me. theres even multiplayer and shit so if you arent a fat basement nerd you can play with your REAL bros too. I think that says alot about how cool these devs are, they're not obese fucking geeks that wear glasses and play Wizardry 1-5000 all day in their dark little holes. they're too busy cruisin around town pickin up babes, and realizing that people who play video games these days arent all faggots and want a decent macho game to share with their crew.

so yea just about everything in this game is bursting at the seams with machismo. The guns, the characters, even the vehicles. Normal losers get Hondas. These totally rad dudes drive a fuckin monstar truck with a laser, and use it to set birds on fire just for fun coz they straight up dgaf. Shit is TITE son, they even got chrome rims and a 10 20" amp system and they be blarin that shit. Then like ur drivin around and people see you rollin, they hatin, so then you gotta shoot them with laser. When I played that shit I Was just like whoa I can totally relate to that, coz everywhere I go bitches always wanna fight me. As you can see the writing is very intricate and features layers upon layers of meaning.



For one last example of how completely fucking badass this game is I present to you the above monster. Yea I bet you're thinking, "but OUUUGHASM, many games have monsters, so what's so special about this one?" Well bro, to your question, a question: if you were a gears in the wars dev, how would you go about optimizing the kickass level of an otherwise unremarkable beast? I mean geez what could be more badass than a gigantic fucking monster with teeth like that and very probably bad breath?

OMFG!!!

If you answered "strap a missile launcher to its head" then you are CORRECT. I mean seriously did you even have to think about it? if theres ANYTHING I've learned from this game its that if something isnt scary, manly or awesome enough, you need only superglue an utterly unrelated but equally awesome item to it to rectalfy the problem. shit can solve pretty much anything. brumak not cool enough? Put a bunch of huge fucking guns on it. Cat not hardcore enough? Tie a steak knife to its tail. itll work trust me im a professional. simple solutions to simple problems son.


American Idol S02E01 (part1/3) Very Funny Audition:) - Click here for more free videos

Ok so after reading this totally accurate and insightful review of Halos of War (which it should really be called imo instead of gear in wars) you ought to be pretty fucking pumped about it.
The gameplay is fuckin awesome and has alot of cool ideas, the graphics are fuckin PIMP and way better than computer, the plot will blow your mind and have you occupied for days, and of course there's BLOOD everywhere! while some of the shit you have seen appears to be pretty revolutionary you should keep in mind that Bethesda or whoever made this did not re-invent the wheel. They just attached a fuckin saw to it, and you should too!!!

I rate this game: