Sup losers. You ever hear of this game? It's called Brock Samson's Intense Dinosaur Knife Stabbing Simulator 3000 AKA TUROK: Awesome as FUCK Edition, and I'm telling you right now it's jam packed full of great atmosphere, immersion, innovation, and muscles.
Above you see your dude, 2rok. He's a pretty fuckin intense guy. On top of the fact that he doesn't afraid of anything, you may have noticed that our protagonist here is of Injun decent. Now, look at the picture again, with that in mind. Notice anything...out of place? Oh yeah, he has a beard and isn't holding a liquor bottle. Do you have any idea how fucking bad you have to be to be an Indian and grow a beard while not being a raging alcoholic? Bad. How bad? Real bad. In fact, Turok stretches credulity in this matter a bit too far by having you stay sober the entire game, which is a tad insane for a normal person, much less one of a race whose blood is 50% whiskey.
Bow? What is this, a fuckin OBLIVION RIP? BOWSHIT!!!Alright, so the plot of the game is you crash on some planet and some bullshit happens. Also the planet has dinosaurs. Yeah the writing is okay but nothing of the caliber of like Mario Brothers or anything. There's not even any good plot twists, and certainly nothing akin to "Sorry, but your princess is in another castle." That shit got me EVERY time. The beauty of this game, however, lies not in the believability of the world or the intricacy of story, but entirely in the revolutionary gameplay.
Above you see me being forced to pick up a bow. Don't worry, we're not playing cowboys and drunks, and this isn't an Oblivion rip. It is there merely as a tempation, as well as the other arms you gain access to throughout the game. Grenades, submachine guns, flamethrowers - it's all there...to confuse you, and weed out the fags that shouldn't be playing this game. Let's face it. If Turok had all that stuff, and you actually used it, it'd just be another bullshit fuckin Halo rip and you might as well just name it Spore 2: Indians vs Dinosaurs That Don't Have Bowties This Time We Promise Please Buy Our Game. Fuckin Interplay. That never would've happened if EA was in charge.
Alright, you want some proof that this isn't some two-bit Halo rip? You got it.
Above you see me being forced to pick up a bow. Don't worry, we're not playing cowboys and drunks, and this isn't an Oblivion rip. It is there merely as a tempation, as well as the other arms you gain access to throughout the game. Grenades, submachine guns, flamethrowers - it's all there...to confuse you, and weed out the fags that shouldn't be playing this game. Let's face it. If Turok had all that stuff, and you actually used it, it'd just be another bullshit fuckin Halo rip and you might as well just name it Spore 2: Indians vs Dinosaurs That Don't Have Bowties This Time We Promise Please Buy Our Game. Fuckin Interplay. That never would've happened if EA was in charge.
Alright, you want some proof that this isn't some two-bit Halo rip? You got it.
If you didn't get the hint, this game is about busting out your knife and stabbing some motherfuckin dinosaurs. In this reviewer's world-renowned and esteemed opinion, this is both original and manly. Yeah sure, there's other games you can kill dinosaurs in, but in what other game are you such a bad fuckin dude that you can take out like ten velicoraptors at once with a knife? There aren't any. For that fix, you whip out your cell and hit up Turok.
Now you may be wondering to yourself how the game allows this to be possible. Turok is, after all, a first person shooter, which typically are not the greatest examples of melee combat. Furthermore, your character possesses no amazing supernatural powers outside the ability to resist getting cocked, saying fuck the dinosaurs and passing out. That, at least, is simple to explain: Turok uses a Brock Samson approved Rambo knife made out of dinotanium. The game play issue is another matter that the devs dealt with quite masterfully.
Turok introduces to the industry what I like to call "mind reading" gameplay. This sounds strange, I know, but hear me out. How many times have you died in a video game despite the fact that you mashed all the buttons one million times? How many times has your character responded poorly to said button mashing, only to jump off a cliff, or become stunned by an enemy in such a way that makes you toss your controller across the room? I'm an extremely professional gamer, but I'm not gonna lie: sometimes when I mash all the buttons really hard I just die anyway, and that's fuckin bullshit. I say to the screen, "Well, why the fuck didn't you just PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE REALLY HARD INSTEAD OF DYING?" or "Why the fuck didn't you just DO A FUCKIN BACKFLIP, then fuckin CHOP HIS HEAD OFF? FUCK."
The reality is, no matter how many times I tell my video avatar what I would have done in real life in his situation, he simply fails to fucking perform up to my standards. Any manly gamer has surely felt the same frustration I have over and over, but there's hope, for Turok has answered our prayers. Essentially, you play the game in first person with your knife out, engaged in a deadly dance with the raptors. When you come within range of a dinosaur, rather than doing some pathetic bullshit that any other video game hero would do, as soon as you press fire the game goes into third person, and you see Turok stabbing the fuck out of a dinosaur, JUST HOW YOU WOULD HAVE DONE IT IN REAL LIFE! What, think it's too good to be true? Check this out.
Notice how he realizes how stupid and gay it is to use guns, and opts to use his knife instead. A true gamer, I salute him.
Now you may be wondering to yourself how the game allows this to be possible. Turok is, after all, a first person shooter, which typically are not the greatest examples of melee combat. Furthermore, your character possesses no amazing supernatural powers outside the ability to resist getting cocked, saying fuck the dinosaurs and passing out. That, at least, is simple to explain: Turok uses a Brock Samson approved Rambo knife made out of dinotanium. The game play issue is another matter that the devs dealt with quite masterfully.
Turok introduces to the industry what I like to call "mind reading" gameplay. This sounds strange, I know, but hear me out. How many times have you died in a video game despite the fact that you mashed all the buttons one million times? How many times has your character responded poorly to said button mashing, only to jump off a cliff, or become stunned by an enemy in such a way that makes you toss your controller across the room? I'm an extremely professional gamer, but I'm not gonna lie: sometimes when I mash all the buttons really hard I just die anyway, and that's fuckin bullshit. I say to the screen, "Well, why the fuck didn't you just PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE REALLY HARD INSTEAD OF DYING?" or "Why the fuck didn't you just DO A FUCKIN BACKFLIP, then fuckin CHOP HIS HEAD OFF? FUCK."
The reality is, no matter how many times I tell my video avatar what I would have done in real life in his situation, he simply fails to fucking perform up to my standards. Any manly gamer has surely felt the same frustration I have over and over, but there's hope, for Turok has answered our prayers. Essentially, you play the game in first person with your knife out, engaged in a deadly dance with the raptors. When you come within range of a dinosaur, rather than doing some pathetic bullshit that any other video game hero would do, as soon as you press fire the game goes into third person, and you see Turok stabbing the fuck out of a dinosaur, JUST HOW YOU WOULD HAVE DONE IT IN REAL LIFE! What, think it's too good to be true? Check this out.
Notice how he realizes how stupid and gay it is to use guns, and opts to use his knife instead. A true gamer, I salute him.
I don't believe I could've killed that t-rex any better myself in real life. For the first time ever in a video game, I felt truly immersed, because my avatar finally did shit so truly manly that I could relate to it, rather than just roll my eyes and laugh at how small the character's muscles are. Such is the power of this new technology.
Turok is a franchise with a future my friends. There will come a time when they've perfected mind reading to a science, and they manage to hire away some writers from Bethesda, and when that time comes I will stand up and say for the first time, "Halo 3 has been bested." For now, I recommend you all support EA by buying this incredibly manly game, and await the second coming of TUROK.
I rate this game:
Turok is a franchise with a future my friends. There will come a time when they've perfected mind reading to a science, and they manage to hire away some writers from Bethesda, and when that time comes I will stand up and say for the first time, "Halo 3 has been bested." For now, I recommend you all support EA by buying this incredibly manly game, and await the second coming of TUROK.
I rate this game:
1 comments:
Sup losers. You ever hear of this game? It's called Brock Samson's Intense Dinosaur Knife Stabbing Simulator 3000 AKA TUROK: Awesome as FUCK Edition - lol
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