Allright losers, professional video game reviewer HALPLANDER has returned to tell you that, dude, this game is fucking BULLSHIT! Todays review is on the pile of bullshit called "The Ship". At first you might be like, "Woah dude the ship fuckin game about the ocean and shreading gnar waves so clutch like you dont even know" but that would be WRONG! THE ONLY THING THIS GAME IS ABOUT IS BEING BULLSHIT. BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT. I normally would avoid such obvious displays of fucking bulllshit, but bro, shit was like 5 bux so I was all SHIT SON SNATCH THAT. But guess what? SHIT'S NOT WORTH 5 BUCKS. WHAT THE FUCK!!!! No, seriously, what the fucking shit is this? How do you manage to make a game thats not worth 5 dollars? This shit isn't even worth playing for free, so tell me bro, how the fuck do you manage that. J/k bro, its like a rhetorical question or some shit you don't gotta answer because I already know the answer: THE GAME IS BULLSHIT!So after the game stole my 5 dollars from me, it had me download THREE FUCKING PROGRAMS ON STEAM(all of them probably containing malware... fucking pos). This includes a tutorial, the singleplayer game, and the multiplayer game. This just made me fucking laugh when I saw it bro. It's like, uuuuhhh, devs? What are you, too fucking stupid to include this shit in your fucking menus? Hahaha, It was this moment that I braced myself for bullshit. I then got a headstart in uninstalling this shit by saying FUCK YOU TUTORIAL, I PLAY BY MY OWN RULES and deleting the FUCK out of that bitch. Then I had to wait an hour and a half for Norton Antivirus to scan my computer for all the malware it prbly left behind. Yea, waiting for virus scans is real fun, The Ship.
So then I fire up the single player, test the waters you know? Well dude I'll tell you know its bullshit. The developers don't fucking know how to make a sensible menu, I was stuck at it for like 30 minutes. The only options were shit like "ENGINE ROOM" "START A CRUISE" and I was like, wtf? Did I just pay 5 bucks for a fucking text adventure? So then in my rage and frustration I managed to skip this screen and get on with the game. I first notice that the graphics are TOTAL SHIT. It was a fucking cutscene(so I'm guessing it was pre-rendered or some boolshi). Srsly it looks like a fucking gay ass cartoon for kids. How am I supposed to be immersed in this bullshit? F-- for graphics seriously, this game must be made for kids or some shit. Kids who like shitty graphics. First thing that happens? SOME ASSHOLE TELLIN ME I GOTTA PLAY BY HIS RULES. Apparently you didn't hear me cockmunch, I said HALPLANDER ONLY LIVES BY HIS OWN RULES. So I fucking shut that shit down and uninstalled that gay shit.
TEAL SHIRT GAY. So this only left multiplayer to save this games @$ from being a pile of bullshit. I didn't expect any miracles. So starting this up(srsly, where the fucking menu @$holez?) I was confronted by the same text adventure bullshit as single player. Wow. A multiplayer text adventure game. HOW EXCITING... NOT! So, as I did before, I mashed my keyboard and mouse in a rage until I proceed to the game. I joined a server and the graphics, unsurprisingly, were still gay cartoon bullshit. Except this time there was no cutscene and I was put right into a first person view. Ok... so wait... This game is basically trying to be Halo 3? But it has fucking cartoon graphics? WOW. I PAID 5 DOLLARS FOR HALO 3: CHILDRENS EDITION. Fucking they need to put a warning on this crap to avoid shit like this. So, I have no weapon. So I cruise around looking for a weapon pick up or something. NOTHING. Then out of fucking nowhere, some asshole kills me. YEA THATS COOL, GIVE MY ENEMIES WEAPONS BUT ME NONE. I then Alt-tabbed to check out gameFAQs to see where the sniper spawn is. TURNS OUT, THERE IS NO SNIPER. BULLSHIT! I have to check dressers and shit for fucking gay crap like umbrellas and rolling pins. Ugh, such fucking kiddy shit.
So I cruise out on the ship(btw the ocean in the game looks like crap, this is not acceptable) lookin for a nerd to bop. I spot one, charge out and POW! I get the kill but I'm also fined. What the fuck? Who thought it would be a good idea to be PUNISHED for killing nerds? After another trip to GameFAQs, turns out that you can only kill who the game tells you to. I managed to resist uninstalling the game at this point for the sake of this review, so you fuckers better be thankful. So, using the horrible map(theres no fucking minimap), I track down the BUTTHEAD I'm supposed to kill and POW! I get arrested. WHAT THE FUCKING SHIT!
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WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU PUT POLICE THAT ARREST YOU IN A GAME WHERE THE GOAL IS KILLING PEOPLE?!? ASFAOFSUIHOAS! When this fucking happens, NOT only do you lose like ALL YOUR FUCKING MONEY, but you also gotta sit in fucking jail for a million fucking years. Yea, I always wanted to play a game about fucking WAITING! I WAS JOKING BECAUSE WAITING ISNT FUN IF I WANTED TO WAIT I'D PLAY SOME SHIT GAME LIKE TEAM SHITRESS 2. How the fuck am I supposed to kill anyone in the game If even holding a fucking umbrella gets me fucking arrested. What if it was fucking raining? Fucking corrupt judge just wants to fucking tase bros and bring us down. Look at that corrupt mother fucker up there. WELL FUCK YOU JUDGE, I'M NOT GONNA LET YOU HAVE YOUR WAY, I LIVE BY MY OWN RULES. Fucking game just trys to make everyone who plays it into a fuckin' corporate tewl, dude. Fucking bullshit.
After a good nights sleep, I woke in the morning to find I was finally out of jail. But it was too late to go kill the nerd I had to bop because the game only gives you like 10 seconds to do that and if you go to jail you're fucking fucked. So fucking basically you're fucked no matter fucking what because fucking all you fucking do in this fucking game is fucking go to fucking jail. A new round started, I get a new nerd to bop. I track him down ready to bop him. But guess what? He gets sent to fucking jail. And I cant bop him. FUCKING COOL. NOT ONLY DOES THE JUDGE FUCKING WRECK YOUR SHIT WHEN YOURE ARRESTED, BUT HE ALSO GOES TO THE LENGTHS TO SAVE YOUR PREY FROM GETTING BOPT. WOW, SO FUN(sarcasm in case u culdnt tell, i no its sumtimes hard to tell frum text). And then some asshole comes up and kills me and I gotta wait for the round to end. This made me so fucking angry my skill in reviewing games professionally dropped 10 points. So I closed the game and deleted it. If the devs wanted to rly get money they shouldve given the game out for free and charge $5 to uninstall it. They'd be fuckign BILLIONAIRES.
So after I uninstalled, I realized that it was a game for children. The emphasis on gettin arrested and NOT BEING ABLE TO KILL PEOPLE probably means it was intended to teach children to obey the law and shit. This is fine and all, except NO WHERE ON THE PRODUCT DESCRIPTION DID IT MENTION THIS WAS AN EDUCATIONAL GAME FOR LITTLE KIDS. I DONT WANT TO LEARN ABOUT THE LAW, I WANNA FUCKING BOP SOME NERDS! Probably my foolish moment, paying 5 dollars for a little kid's educational game. Even so, if i was a little kid learnin shit from this? I'd want some graphics that didn't BLOW ASS LOL! I don't think I gotta tell you bros to avoid this shit at all costs.
I rate this game:
So I cruise out on the ship(btw the ocean in the game looks like crap, this is not acceptable) lookin for a nerd to bop. I spot one, charge out and POW! I get the kill but I'm also fined. What the fuck? Who thought it would be a good idea to be PUNISHED for killing nerds? After another trip to GameFAQs, turns out that you can only kill who the game tells you to. I managed to resist uninstalling the game at this point for the sake of this review, so you fuckers better be thankful. So, using the horrible map(theres no fucking minimap), I track down the BUTTHEAD I'm supposed to kill and POW! I get arrested. WHAT THE FUCKING SHIT!
FUCKING BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT!WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU PUT POLICE THAT ARREST YOU IN A GAME WHERE THE GOAL IS KILLING PEOPLE?!? ASFAOFSUIHOAS! When this fucking happens, NOT only do you lose like ALL YOUR FUCKING MONEY, but you also gotta sit in fucking jail for a million fucking years. Yea, I always wanted to play a game about fucking WAITING! I WAS JOKING BECAUSE WAITING ISNT FUN IF I WANTED TO WAIT I'D PLAY SOME SHIT GAME LIKE TEAM SHITRESS 2. How the fuck am I supposed to kill anyone in the game If even holding a fucking umbrella gets me fucking arrested. What if it was fucking raining? Fucking corrupt judge just wants to fucking tase bros and bring us down. Look at that corrupt mother fucker up there. WELL FUCK YOU JUDGE, I'M NOT GONNA LET YOU HAVE YOUR WAY, I LIVE BY MY OWN RULES. Fucking game just trys to make everyone who plays it into a fuckin' corporate tewl, dude. Fucking bullshit.
After a good nights sleep, I woke in the morning to find I was finally out of jail. But it was too late to go kill the nerd I had to bop because the game only gives you like 10 seconds to do that and if you go to jail you're fucking fucked. So fucking basically you're fucked no matter fucking what because fucking all you fucking do in this fucking game is fucking go to fucking jail. A new round started, I get a new nerd to bop. I track him down ready to bop him. But guess what? He gets sent to fucking jail. And I cant bop him. FUCKING COOL. NOT ONLY DOES THE JUDGE FUCKING WRECK YOUR SHIT WHEN YOURE ARRESTED, BUT HE ALSO GOES TO THE LENGTHS TO SAVE YOUR PREY FROM GETTING BOPT. WOW, SO FUN(sarcasm in case u culdnt tell, i no its sumtimes hard to tell frum text). And then some asshole comes up and kills me and I gotta wait for the round to end. This made me so fucking angry my skill in reviewing games professionally dropped 10 points. So I closed the game and deleted it. If the devs wanted to rly get money they shouldve given the game out for free and charge $5 to uninstall it. They'd be fuckign BILLIONAIRES.
So after I uninstalled, I realized that it was a game for children. The emphasis on gettin arrested and NOT BEING ABLE TO KILL PEOPLE probably means it was intended to teach children to obey the law and shit. This is fine and all, except NO WHERE ON THE PRODUCT DESCRIPTION DID IT MENTION THIS WAS AN EDUCATIONAL GAME FOR LITTLE KIDS. I DONT WANT TO LEARN ABOUT THE LAW, I WANNA FUCKING BOP SOME NERDS! Probably my foolish moment, paying 5 dollars for a little kid's educational game. Even so, if i was a little kid learnin shit from this? I'd want some graphics that didn't BLOW ASS LOL! I don't think I gotta tell you bros to avoid this shit at all costs.
I rate this game:
4 comments:
oh good, a troll has his own blog - maybe that'll lessen the amount he posts elsewhere :)
This review needs more "fuck" or possibly "bullshit" in it.
Or keeping in step with the pace of this shitty blog:
doodz u r in need of moar fuxxorz!!11!!!ones!!
Oh yes, I didn't like "The Ship" either.
This review of a review needs more pretentious wordplay in it.
Or keeping in step with the pace of this chodechomper:
My impressive intellect cares not for fiction; I am impervious, let it be know.
Oh yes, I don't like turtles either.
I knew as soon as I read Falcone that this guy would be oozing with shit. What the hell kind of name is Falcone? I'll tell you: It's a name given to overly dramatic and testy folk. Need to sound cultured and informed? Slap an E on there.
Falconer is too good for this asshole; a proud Scottish name. Falcon is for rednecks, so I can understand the avoidance... but Falcone? C'mon. Does every circumcision in the Falcone family come with a newage faggot metal album? Get over yourself and marry in to the Ironballs family. You'll thank me on your wedding night.
ok bye
Lovely how people cannot detect satire worth a damn. The internet (or "TEH INTARWABS" as it's idiotic inhabitants call it) was SUCH a successful endeavor on the part of Humanity, don't you think?
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