Leisure Suit Geralt

Confusing title I know, but bear with it

Today on Ouugh Reviews we have a nostalgic, yet original piece of electronic art heinously mistitled The Witcher. Being a Polish game, I can only assume it was an error in translation, and the original title is something more along the lines of The Bitcher, which is decidedly more appropriate given the game's content.



You play as Geralt, as shown in the above picture. Geralt is a man on a mission. Geralt is on a quest of such import that it haunts him every waking hour, turning his life into a living hell as the burden of responsibility slowly but surely creates long term back problems that could negatively affect him in the later years of his life. I'm sure you've managed to guess what it is, but in case you haven't, Geralt must collect as many cards as he can in order to prove that he is the manliest of all Bitchers. To this end, you are armed with a charming mystique, a badass scar, a gravelly voice, a decorative sword, an iron stomach, a toned physique and fists of steel. Wait, what? "What is a card," you ask? I'd expect that sort of question from a casual loser like you. Since you've probably never carded before, I suppose a demonstration is in order.

He said he fucked a she-elf once. What, didn't your fucking dad tell you about the birds and the baseball cards?

It is a well-known fact that all women carry around illustrated cards of themselves to give out after sexual relations as proof of the deed. Clearly, Geralt requires as many of these as possible for his quest. Thematically, this is very reminiscent of early Leisure Suit Larry games, and to a lesser extent this applies to gameplay as well. The differences, however, are more than abundant.

First and most distinct of these differences would have to be the setting. Eschewing the modern day for a more or less standard fantasy fare, The Witcher stands alone amongst card collection simulators in that respect. It was an interesting design decision, allowing for greater liberties to be taken in Geralt's adventures. For instance, Bitchers are genetic mutants, designed to do nothing but get down with the honeys. They are immune to all diseases and are incapable of procreation, which equates to more women wanting to sleep with you on account of the fact that a condom is not necessary to prevent magical AIDS or unwanted progeny. And more interestingly, the setting can make for some rather unconventional cards.

It's just like if black people were green people!

Roger that, tag 'em and card 'em.

The Witcher will differentiate itself even further from its predecessors when it comes to actual gameplay, but as to whether or not that's a good thing is debatable. The addition of cards gives it an edge when it comes to realism, in spite of the fantasy setting. However, it deviates strongly from the original formula, and plays nothing like a classic Sierra adventure game. Rather than going through the long process of getting such and such an item so you can acquire yet another such and such an item is long gone in favor of a more sandbox style. On the plus side, this does mean that they were many more cards available, but at the cost of complexity.

It is sandbox in as much as you are free to go where you please, employing the tricks at your disposal in order to win shiny items to give to women, or money with which to buy shiny items to give to women. Regrettably, the swords on Geralt's back are merely for show; you are not capable of actually using them for anything, which cuts out what would've been a very lucrative task to undertake. Instead, you are allowed to fist fight, out drink people until they give you something valuable, and play dice. You can also pick flowers, but if you manage to give a fuck about picking flowers, consider yourself banned from Ouugh Reviews.

I think this bitch wants to fight me.

Yeah that's what I thought, nerd.

Chief among the listed activities is fist fighting. Taverns have a manly corner, a place where bruisers and busters gather to fight each other and wager on the outcome. You are of course allowed to fight, and bet on yourself. I was able to use this as my main source of income for the acquisition of card inducing goods, as well as an excellent provider of entertainment. The fighting minigame is not terribly complex, yet it is immensely satisfying. It also, on occasion, has a more direct use. Above, you see me slightly drunk, entering some guy's house, and beating him up in order to card his daughter in peace.

For the record, this works in real life. Violence can definitely net you some irl cards.

Moving on, once you've managed to amass a decent amount of wealth, the rest of the process becomes even more straightforward as a rule. And this, my friends, is where the system breaks down. Earlier when I referred to card inducing goods and shiny objects, I was naturally referring to pieces of clothing and jewelry. On average, you need only go to a merchant, purchase said item, and find a lady willing to part with her virtue over a gift from a complete stranger. Now, let's be honest here. Adventure games have never been what you'd consider to be terribly complicated, yet they can be hard at times, and figuring out where to go and what to do and in what order was something resembling a challenge. Why then in Clint Eastwood's sainted name would you dumb down the process even further? To simplify that which is already simple is a sure sign of casualization, which is defined by Webster as the process by which developers turn anything and everything into fucking BULLSHIT.

Step One

Step t...wait, what?

Oh hey, turns out there was only one step. Your eight year old kid will love it.

In a feeble attempt to add some degree of diversity, some of the cards deviate from the norm. Earlier, you saw how I was required to savagely beat an old man. In another occasion, you have to escort a lady to her home, and on yet another occasion, one particularly picky bitch forces you to throw a raging kegger at her house before she'll give up her card. In at least one event, the card turns out to be a trap!

Feelin' drunk and weary, I wandered to the nearest whorehouse

Turns out they were having a 3 for 1 special

Awshi this card is gonna be intense

Hey where'd she go

FUCK!

I go through all that bullshit and it turns out they're fuckin vampires and I get this nasty ass card. OUUUGH

Now, if these elongated sequences were added upon even more, and were the rule rather than the exception they are now, this game may have been able to have proudly stood next to the giants of the past. As things stand however, the vast majority of card encounters, which represent the bulk of the game, quickly become monotonous in the extreme.

On a more positive note, there are occasionally side quests that you may undertake for coin. Typically they're little more than errands, because as I mentioned before the game has no real combat outside of fist fighting, but it does allow you some interaction with various NPCs. This is enjoyable mainly in that the accompanying dialogue is very diverse and engaging, ranging from deep and intellectual, to unabatedly manly.

Deep like the Brocean

Manly as FUCK!

Ultimately however, these do not compensate for the shortcomings of the rest of the game when compared with all that came before it. Though there is something to be said of the originality in creating a card collection simulator with sandbox gameplay in a fantasy setting, the pervading monotony and casualness serve as a sharp reminder that this was not a game made for fans of the classics. The repetitive nature gave me vivid flashbacks of Assassin's Creed, which is saying plenty if you've played the game. To describe The Witcher, I've come up with an equation: Ass Creed + Leisure Suit Larry + Elder Scrolls = Casual Suit Geralt. I don't feel as though I can sum it up any more effectively than that, so buy at your own risk.

I rate this game: