Jurassic Park: The Video Game

Hello readers, the game of the day is DinoPark Tycoon, a game based directly on the successful Spielburg movie, "Jurassic Park." I know that sounds excellent, but I would advise you not to jump to any conclusions based upon heritage. This game is 100% bullshit, and bears little semblance to its award winning progenitor film. This becomes doubly tragic when you take a look at the people who contributed to this failure.

Oh we'll see about that, nerd.

Do not be alarmed. Your eyes are not malfunctioning, and that is not the work of the tool known as Photoshop. DinoPark Tycoon was created by Manley Associates Incoporated. It seems that Thor is not without a sense of humor, having someone born with such an unbelievably awesome name grow up to the the kind of person that would create a game like this. Speaking of which, I suppose I should get around to forcing myself to say a thing or two about it.

Hey, really? Because I was thinking of picking up some land at the grocery store. What is this game made for fucking kids or something?

Immediately upon starting a new game, our hands are immediately held by none other than a highly pixellated dinosaur wearing a cheesy suit and a top hat. Just glancing at that artistic abortion sent casual chills down my hardcore spine, which was unnerving on multiple levels I assure you. The talking bullshitsaur needlessly guides you through the first steps of the game, which includes buying a piece of land, some fencing to keep dinosaurs in, hiring an employee, then actually buying a dinosaur.

Funny, I don't recognize any of these names from the movie. Where's my fucking velociraptor?

Above is the dinosaur selection screen. What could have been a triumphant achievement in gaming is instead reduced to a featureless flop. The process is entirely devoid of any Jurassic Park flavor. You do not, for instance, have to do any R&D of your own to create a dinosaur. You do not have to convince any investors of the potential of your endeavor; the bank merely starts you off with a meager loan that wouldn't be able to buy a shack in North Dakota, much less a theme park based on cutting edge genetic technology. The struggle to create the park is essentially nonexistent. The game even goes so far as to suggest that you are not the first, nor will you be the last. There is mention of other successful parks, and to top it off, a dinosaur auction of all things.

In the future, money is printed with the picture of a wigged bullshitsaurus.

The above is me bidding on a dinosaur auction. Note that while you do not actually ever see the whole of your avatar, there is a good cause for this because judging by the evidence in this picture he is in fact Mickey Mouse.

Those gloves look familiar.

Now might be a good time to critique the artistic direction and graphics, given what I've just pointed out. Not only do the utterly pixellated models make DinoPark look as though it was made in the mid 90's , but what boggles me is why they would rip off Disney artistically. There is simply no place for cartoonish drawings and references in a game themed after such an epic blockbuster, renowned for its breakthroughs in the field of special effects. It seems to me they spent roughly 90% of their budget securing the Jurassic Park IP from whoever it belongs to, and only afterwards realized their mistake, which precluded them from designing a decent 3D engine, or even hire a decent artist. I would perhaps be more forgiving if the issue was only in the quality, but there is clearly intent to make the dinosaurs seem as unimposing and tame as possible, so as to not frighten children and the sort of people that actually scream when watching horror movies.

Hardcore Rex - how I expect my video dinosaurs to look

Casual Rex - now dumbed down for mass consumption


Bullshit Rex - there just to confuse you

In the above picture, the dinosaur on the upper left is my tyrannosaur. Not only are the graphics shitty, but they're just as inconsistent. The t-rex on the info page is completely different in structure and color than the one you actually see in your park if you manage to buy one.

The end of the road for me was when after running the park for some time, I realized it was impossible to have a dinosaur escape and eat your tourists. Think about it. They made a game about dinosaurs, the most hardcore creatures to have ever walked the Earth next to Vikings, and they aren't even capable of chewing up a few babies. Not to mention, escaped dinosaurs is like the entire plot of Jurassic Park, the film this crap is supposed to be based upon. It would've even made for interesting gameplay as you had to manage the press fallout from the incident and continue convincing people to attend your park. More casual concessions I suppose.

Ultimately, DinoPark Tycoon is a bland, featureless game that does not capture the atmosphere, spirit, or even theme of the now classic cinema it is based upon. It does not live up the name of the man who created it - Manley. And it does not make any fucking sense. I don't understand why they bothered paying so much money for the Jurassic Park IP, when they didn't even bother to include it in the name of their game!

I rate this game: